Every Road Leads Back To You
by Ladybug-Jojo
Summary: 6 years in the future many things have changed, and the road Alicia decided to take didn't pan out the way she had expected. And now it seems to be taking her in a direction she thought was in the past. WARNING: Spoilers everything season 4! Relationships: Alicia/Wil, Alicia/Peter Peter/OC other pairs mentioned briefly! Notice it has both AW and AP, and both pairs will have scenes!
1. Chapter 1

_Okay I was inspired by a poem to write this... and encourage by my TGW family to do so... _

_I don't own the Good Wife or Bette Midler - Every Road Leads Back To You_

* * *

_**Every Road Leads Back To You  
**_

_Old friend, here we are,_  
_after all the years and tears_  
_and all that we've been through._  
_It feels so good to see you._  
_Lookin' back in time,_  
_there've been other friends and other lovers,_  
_but no other one like you._  
_All my life, no one ever has known me better._

_I must have traveled down a thousand roads._  
_Been so many places, seen so many faces,_  
_always on my way to somethin' new._  
_Ohhh, but it doesn't matter,_  
_'cause no matter where I go,_  
_every road leads back,_  
_every road just seems to lead me back to you._

She finally reached the bar, having found her way through all the people there. Not the easiest task, but she needed a drink. These events were not on top of the list on things she missed about what was once her life. Sure, she attended a few galas every year but it was nothing like she once had.

She ordered a glass of red wine, and while waiting she turned around and looked at all the people in the room.

Her eyes were searching for someone, though she would never admit it out loud, after all it was soon six years since they had ended, and she had walked down that hallway while people cheered and celebrated him winning the election, some clapping at her, too.

Of course they had seen each other many times since, but it had to have been about two, almost three years since they last saw each other in person, sometime along his re-election. Of course she had been interviewed and asked on her thoughts of him running for president, and again after he got the official nomination.

A night she, much to Will's annoyance, had ended up spending in front of the television, sitting at the front of her seat and telling Will to be quiet as she wanted to listen to what was said. They were supposed to work go over salary decisions but she was more focused on the TV.

She couldn't remember being prouder than the moment they announced he had the nomination and was officially the democratic nominee, of course it had been more than clear to her he would get it but still, she was relieved when it was official.

That was until her stomach tightened uncomfortable as he walked on stage, and the camera zoomed in on a spot beside the stage where both Zach and Grace were standing, watching their Dad from the side, and she suddenly had a strange feeling that she should have been there too. Her and... she had shaken her head at that thought quickly, not even finishing it. Yet she still felt like she should have been there instead of sitting at home in sweats watching him on TV, while telling her friend, to be quiet or he could go home and they could finish work tomorrow, as she didn't want to miss Peter's speech, in the end Will left, with a comment on if she preferred to spent the night cheering for her ex he preferred not to watch, she focused back on the screen though, not wanting to get into that, after all she knew it was mostly based in him worrying over her getting hurt, and the always lingering tension there would excist between the two men.

The next second her heart skipped a beat as the camera left her kids and zoomed in on the blonde woman who look up at Peter from beside the stage as he gave his speech. Her bright blue eyes filled with love and tenderness.

Of course Alicia had known he was seeing someone, actually living with someone, Meredith. It wasn't that. It was how she was there with him and with _their kids_. The camera had zoomed out again and Alicia could see that Meredith was holding hands with both Zach and Grace. They looked like a family, and that hurt her and made her feel even more like she should be the one standing there with him and their kids... that she should be there with all of them... not this blonde woman.

Back in the present her eyes finally found him, and Meredith, they looked good together. Presidential, Alicia had called him herself 6 years ago at an evening a lot like this. He was shaking hands, smiling, not that it surprised her, he was an excellent politician and had always been. Meredith seemed to be smiling, however Alicia noticed she seemed less comfortable in this than she should, not that she couldn't understand her, the problem was she showed it far more than was acceptable, she shouldn't show it, that gave off the wrong impression to the media and the voters. She looked perfect though - hair, dress, make up - it was all in place. Alicia was pretty sure though that she had someone telling her how she should look, after all from the way she carried herself, actually showing how little she was comfortable with this, it was hard to imagine she had done it all on her own. How would she handle being First Lady of the United States? Alicia wondered briefly, if she didn't even seem to like being to a fundraiser like this. Oh well, it wasn't any of her business.

"Any regrets?" A voice beside her sounded, making her spin around in surprise and shock. She let out a sigh of relief as she saw who was there.

"Eli Gold, look at you..." She answered with a smile, hugging him. She hadn't hugged him, many times if any time before, but years ago she had considered him a friend an ally, and he had protected her well from the media, actually both her and the kids, under her and Peter's divorce. They hadn't talked much since as he had moved his business to Springfield, sadly, since it had been a huge loss for the firm.

"You look amazing too, Alicia. Though I have to say I am surprised to see you here tonight... I didn't think you would be here." He smiled at her kindly but a bit specious too.

"Always scheming Eli... I am here because I am a part of EMILY's list now. So I am here supporting the democratic candidate." She explained.

"Wow you are? I... I didn't see that one coming... then why haven't I been told... If I had known..." She could see his mind was already running in all kinds of directions, she guessed one was Peter's ex-wife able to get even more female voters for him, and even feminist votes, and how that would also have been a help with the democratic nomination where his strongest competition had been a woman (not that she actually could have helped as she had only been a part of it for a few weeks now), and again now for the election in November.

Not that he really should have many problems with the real election after appointing Senator Diane Lockhart as his running mate. Alicia's previous boss that, after withdrawing from the judgeship offer because of the media's portrait of her and her surprising marriage to Kurt McVeigh and regarding her father's dark secrets. She had two years ago decided to run for senate and won. She had left Lockhart and Gardner once and for all with that, and Alicia herself had been made named partner at the firm, now Gardner and Cavanaugh.

Everyone had been surprised over Peter's choice regarding Diane, especially since she hadn't gotten the judgeship he had wanted to appoint her for. Alicia was pretty sure she was the only one not surprised at all, when Will, who she had dinner with when it was announced gasped in surprise, Alicia had to hide her own reaction, and act surprised. He would have wondered why she wasn't surprised way too much and bothered her with all his normal questions, and she wouldn't have a good explanation to give him. At least not one he would like much as all she had was that she knew Peter. She had spent a huge part of her life with Peter, sharing his hopes and dreams.

He was the person she knew the best of all and how their mind worked. Far better than Will her now friend and co-worker after all their back and forward. They had tried and it didn't work between them not even after she was divorced. Her little Cat probably played a part in it, but it was mostly them, when you took out sex and work they didn't seem to be able to really work, the more they tried the more it became clear that what they tried and thought they should have was something long lost due to time and age, it was like the gold age, their youth, but it didn't fit into how their lives had formed and what persons they had become. When she wanted to spent her weekend with Cat and Grace and Zach if they had the time or were home, he preferred going to sport matches or driving up by the lake, both things he had bonded with Zach over far more than with her.

Again, she preferred watching movies or reading if she had a moment to relax, he preferred some sports program Zach happily watched with him, and she, Grace and Cat left the room not interested in it at all. If she were to do something for herself, she liked going to museums, the theater, the ballet or best of all the opera, and that was not Will at all. He was impatient when she brought him to a museum and it was not his style at all, and the opera hadn't been a success at all. In the end they found out they were too different, in their choices in what they needed in life, he bonded better with Zach than with her, and since her son was away for college most of the time, it became pretty obvious rather fast that it really shouldn't be them. And they ended it for good, she couldn't keep the back and forward going, as it confused Cat, and they had ended it as friends and now work partners. And it was only after all of that they managed to get their friendship and closeness back, so it worked for them. She knew most still assumed they had a thing going but that was up to them what they wanted to believe or not. She wasn't going to explain it. She had after all spent years defining her relationships with the men in her life to others, when she finally settled into a friendship with Will she wasn't going to continue it.

She hadn't noticed that her line of thoughts had brought her to glance over at Peter again, that was until she heard Eli cough beside her. She quickly looked over at him again. He raised an eyebrow at her, looking specious. She gave him one of her famous death stares making him hold his hands up in defeat.

"So are you ever gonna run yourself?" he asked her instead, making her laugh and shake her head, he was always campaigning, something never changed.

"I don't see it in the nearest future, but if I decide to you will be the first I call, Eli." She smiled at him. It really was good to see him, she hadn't realized how much she actually missed him, but he had become like family to her. Without thinking she reached in and hugged him again.

"Promise to save me a dance tonight, Eli." She said with a smile as she pulled back, she had never danced with him before, but they were or had been family, and she felt she wanted to for old time's sake.

"I promise, it would be an honor Alicia." He answered, and nodded at her. "I need to check up on some things. I won't forget the dance." He said with a smile, and she nodded.

* * *

Much later that night Eli decided to keep his promise, she was dancing with Will, when Eli asked if he could cut in, also saying hallo to Will. Now Eli was guiding her around on the floor. He was actually a far better dancer than she had ever expected, but she guessed it came from all the events he had to participate in. They talked a little, mostly catching up on how they had been, he wanted to hear all about her local engagement in politics, and she was happy to tell him the little there were to tell. They were starting their second dance then, she heard _his_ voice, so strong, so masculine, _get a grip girl._ She reminded herself. She met his gaze for the first time that evening, and the first time in years. He had stopped them, asking Eli if he minded him cutting in. Eli looked shocked, clearly not happy with this. Alicia wanted to roll her eyes at Eli, it was not exactly a slow song, and it was not that big of a deal, at least it shouldn't be. She had after all more than once told the media that she supported him, and hoped he would win, because she couldn't think of anyone that would make a better president.

"It's alright Eli." She told him, and he let go of her and stepped back, she could see he wasn't happy about it, and she was once more tempted to roll her eyes, but didn't. After all she might very well need his help if her secret ever came out, so better not make enemies with him.

Instead she focused on fighting off the shivers that ran down her back the moment she felt Peter take her hand and place his other on her waist. He placed it far higher than he would have done in the past, and it felt almost wrong to her. That she was dancing with Peter and his hand was not in the lowest part of the small of her back, but higher up in almost foreign territory.

He started to guide them over the floor. She had forgotten how amazing he was at this, it felt like they were almost flooding.

"EMILY's list?" He asked her with a smile, his eyes laughing at her. And she couldn't help it but she cracked a bright smile, laughing with him.

"We have not seen each other in person in years and that is what you ask me?... No good to see you, how are you? I didn't know you would be here tonight... You look lovely..." She teased him.

"Very well... how are you?" He asked smilingly instead.

"Good... thank you, Peter... how are you?" She smiled back.

"Great... thank you. What was the next... oh well I did know you would be here tonight, at least I thought you would, because of EMILY's list." He answered, as he spun her out from him catching her again, like the music hinted they should.

"You did?" She had not expected that answer.

"Yes, I did... so ready to tell me how you ended on EMILY's list?" He asked again.

"It seemed fitting when Diane left, we needed those kind of contacts. Will was never much for politics." She felt him stiffen a little at the mention of Will, understandably so it would probably always be a sensitive subject to him, and she didn't even really know what he might know or rather not know about her relationship with the other man at this point, it depended on what the kids had told him. And at the same time Peter had always made his own conclusions to her and Will.

"I see... wow... I am impressed... I didn't think you would be into that either to be honest..." He admitted.

"I know... it is also a new thing only a few weeks... Eli didn't even know... I am surprised you do.

She answered, though she was happy he did know.

"Yeah well... Grace might have mentioned it..." He admitted finally, and she nodded in understanding, of course, the kids. Though she and Peter never saw each other anymore, Zach and Grace saw them both often enough. She felt her heart clutch a little thinking of Peter with Grace made it worse to think about her own secret, of what she was keeping from him, and how he would hate her, well how both him and the kids would hate her if they ever learned the full truth. That she had kept something this big from him, for no other reason than her own independence and stubbornness.

"For what it is worth I think you will do an amazing job." he told her softly, pulling her back to the present from her musing and it suddenly felt like something shifted between them from the easy and teasing tone, it suddenly felt different, very different like the air between them was suddenly electrified, making her skin tingle all over.

"Yeah?" She whispered softly, curious if he really did mean that.

"Yeah, if you decide to ever run yourself, I know you will do an amazing job." He told her tenderly.

"Thank you... I doubt I will but... thank you..." She whispered looking up at him. She had forgotten how she always had to look up at him, and how much she liked that feeling.

"You are welcome..." He smiled and spun her out once more, making her laugh. He caught her again this time pulling her a tiny bit closer, just enough that she now was able to feel the heat of his body, and suddenly it felt like her whole body was burning, like the electricity between them had her on fire. Their eyes were locked and she per instinct started to lean in closer. Letting herself sink into him, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. His musky male smell capturing her, and for a short moment she could dream that she was still with him. That she was living this life, that he was hers, that the feeling right here wasn't just a memory in her head but reality_._That she was the one who had arrived on his arm for the evening, smiling and laughing, and that she would be leaving with him again going home together to little Cat, like a family.

As she rested her head on his shoulder she felt him exhale sharply probably shocked by her action, and then she felt it, the briefest and lightest of kisses on her hair, so brief that no one else could have noticed it. As he pulled back she heard him whisper:

"You don't look lovely Alicia..." Her heart suddenly breaking a little and she suddenly felt extremely sad, how could he say something like that.

"You look stunningly gorgeous..." He added, this time making her heart skip a beat, and again she closed her eyes, almost tricking her mind into thinking that the dance in his arms was more than just a memory. That in reality she was back in time 6 years where they had also been dancing, not so very long before their relationship ended once and for all. She couldn't be thinking that. She was happy with the life she had now. She loved her work and not being the center of the medias was a relief. Then she had divorced him she had wanted Will and thought and concluded she was not really in love with Peter anymore, but why did it all suddenly feel so very wrong. Like everything wasn't as it should be, like someone has poured a gallon of ice cold water out over her, making her wake up and see what she hadn't seen until now. Was it just memories of the feelings he could invoke in her or was it that that she now knew it hadn't worked with Will, and she was selfish enough to imagine what could have been with her and Peter, had she stayed.

She hesitated for a few seconds before starting to look up at him, she needed to see his eyes, to see if he even felt a hint of what she had felt resting in his arms like that, but the moment she did there was a female voice asking if she could cut in.

Alicia didn't have to look up to know it was Meredith though she had never met her personally before. However she did look up and pulled back. "I'm sorry, of course you can." She said with a smile, wondering if she needed to introduce herself.

"Meredith this is Alicia... she is my... " He seemed to look for the right word. _Damn Peter_ she cursed. "I am his ex-wife, Zach and Grace's mother..." She added herself. Meredith nodded at her, though she suddenly looked anything but happy, actually she looked somewhat between pissed and scared. Yet she held out her hand for Alicia.

"Pleasure to meet you... your kids they are great... they talk a lot about you..." She said Alicia had by now learned to read people, and she knew Meredith only played nice because Peter was there.

"Thank you.. I have only heard positive things about you too..." Alicia lied smoothly, she had heard not so positive things about her from Grace. She saw Peter furrow his eyebrows, _had he caught her lie?- Impossible._  
Meredith nodded with a smile.

"Thank you it was a pleasure to meet you." The way she said it, Alicia more than understood that was a hint on how she was not welcome anymore, and she knew it was fair, after all she had just been in Peter's arms acting like a love sick school girl, and not at all like his ex-wife. She nodded at them both. Meredith gave her another fake smile, but Peter gave her a real one "Thank you for the dance, Alicia."

"You are welcome, and good luck with the campaign." She said with a smile before adding: "You already have my vote." he raised an eyebrow at her but smiled back.

"Thank you." With that he took Meredith in his arms and started to guide her over the floor, as he pulled her in close right away. Alicia moved through the room, starting to look for a familiar face, Eli or Will yeah anyone would do right about now but she found no one. Instead she headed for the bathroom, she suddenly felt very warm and in need to cool off. At the passage out to the hallway she stopped for a short moment and looked back over her shoulder, watching Peter guide Meredith over the floor. Through the room their eyes locked, and in that moment Alicia wasn't in doubt. It should have been her in his arms tonight, it should be her he was holding close, it should have been her he would take home and make love to all night, after he peeled her out of her dress. It should all have been her. At least it could have been her if she had taken another road that night of his election for governor more than six years ago. She shook her head, she couldn't be thinking like that, after all it wasn't memories of a long lost time what had gotten her here in the first place. And she couldn't regret that road as it also brought her Cat her secret goodbye present from almost 20 years of marriage.

She turned back around, deciding to skip the bathroom and find Will instead, he was the only one she really needed to tell she was leaving. And right now she suddenly felt very tired and felt headache coming. A good sign it was time to call it a night. But most of all she suddenly felt an extreme longing to hold her 5 year old daughter, Catherine Amy Cavanaugh-Loy.


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay here we go chapter 2. I promise stuff will be more clear along the way..._

_Also I am sorry I hadn't done the math for this story well enough, as Cat would only be four at this point... sorry..._

_Also I talked with Steffi and we settled on that even though TGW are not good with election stuff it would be better that the elections were set in November like in reality. That mean both the governor election for Peter was set in November the re-election and presidential election will be in November too. _

_Also the first part of this chapter is largely inspired by my favorite scene in Brothers and Sisters._

_A huge thank you to my amazing beta and girlfriend Steffi for helping out always. And a thank you to Sabrina for helping me with this chapter where I doubted some stuff._

_I don't own the good wife._

* * *

**Chapter 2 **

"Waky waky, rise and shine..." Alicia groaned at the sound of her mother's voice, while rolling onto her other side, pulling her pillow over her head. This was one of those times where she regretted letting her mother move in with them, to help her out with Cat. She didn't have work and it was unusual that she got to sleep in with a very active 4 year old in the house. So when she was for once not woken up by her daughter she certainly didn't want her mother to wake her up.

"Alicia, rise and shine... I come bringing gifts..." Veronica said and Alicia rolled back over, giving her mother a death stare she sadly was immune to. So she rolled her eyes and started to sit up.

"Why are you waking me up? And where is Cat?" She mumbled annoyed, but also curious why her daughter hadn't woke her up already.

"Eating breakfast in front of the TV while watching My Little Pony. She got up early and since I knew you had that gala last night I decided to let you sleep. So I took her for a walk. We went out to get something to eat. She did want to come in here when she woke up." Her mother explained.

"I should go see her... it would have been alright had she come in..." Alicia started to get out of bed.

"Cat is fine... eating muffins. The couch might not be so fine after but she is... You however..." Her mother looked at her in a way Alicia didn't recognize.

"What, Mom, just spit it out?" She mumbled, she wasn't in mood to drag this out. Her mother held a newspaper up.

"You made the front page..." She said as she handed the newspaper over. "Front page in them all. This one with page 3 and 4. This one page 2. And this page 6... I didn't bother getting the rest but this one. Where you get front page and page 3-6... basically it has a nice full biography of you." She handed Alicia the last paper. Alicia stared at them in shock. There on the front page was her and Peter dancing, in very different shots.

"My favorite is that one." her mother pointed at the last one where the front picture was her looking up at Peter, and they looked to be far more than exes sharing a dance. Which the headline also said.

"The Florricks reuniting?" and the line under: "Wouldn't be the first time." Alicia gulped and started to look through the pages finding the articles her mother had talked about. She was right, it was pretty much a biography of her. She scanned through it quickly, needing to see if they mentioned Cat at any point, though she was pretty sure she wouldn't find it anywhere, because if the press had found out about her, it would have been on the front page too.

"Calm down, she is not mentioned anywhere. But what were you thinking Alicia? What happened to staying out of the press to make sure no one learned about her? I told you getting yourself into politics was a bad idea. And it would end up with you in the media's light. I didn't dream of you being stupid enough to decide to snuggle up to Peter in public while he is running for President and already on every front page all the time." Her mother sat down on her bedside, while Alicia felt like crawling back under the covers and sleep again and hopefully when she woke up again, this would all be a bad dream.

"I don't know Mom. He asked me to dance... and I thought it would be nice... I don't know... it was just a moment..." Alicia groaned as she leaned back against her pillows.

"You are not getting back with him are you?" She looked suspiciously at Alicia, making her roll her eyes.

"We danced that was all. Danced and talked. Also he lives with someone... Her..." Alicia answered while pointing at a picture of Meredith. With a comment to whether Governor Florrick was cheating on Meredith Avery with his very own ex-wife.

"Well it wouldn't be the first time he couldn't help himself..." Her mother answered, making Alicia groan again.

"Thanks mother, you always know just what to say..." She answered annoyed, partly because her mother was getting into something she shouldn't and didn't understand and partly because she was right.

"I am just telling the truth. Not that you were ever one to listen. But think about Cat... wasn't that a part of why you kept her from him? You didn't want her to grow up in the lights of the media. And even if you take that out and decide you don't care about that anymore... how will you ever explain to him you kept his child from him for more than four years?" Her mother pointed out, making Alicia's stomach clench.

"I don't know... I..." She didn't have a good answer to that one, at least not one Peter would be likely to accept or agree with. Why did she do it? There were so many reasons, all ones she over the years realized were maybe most excuses she gave herself because of fear.

* * *

_The knock on the door interrupted her work on the case. She was spending her Saturday night with work since Grace was in Springfield with Peter and Zach away for college, plus pregnancy was making her tired, and not in the mood to do anything else. She was already dressed for the night, and had planned on soon going to bed. She got up to open the door to be met by the sight of her mother, making her groan in annoyance. _

"_I thought you would be home on a Saturday night, just your style." Veronica said while moving past Alicia, not waiting for an invitation, making Alicia roll her eyes while her mother continued in the direction of the kitchen. _

"_Don't worry I am bringing the party to you. Brandy, got it as a present. It is amazing." She was already pulling down two glasses, pouring brandy into them.  
- Oh shit... was Alicia's thought, she hadn't told her mother about her pregnancy, she had pushed it back as much as possible, both her and Owen, the only two people more she planned on telling. Well to be fair the only ones she had told was Will and the kids. But really, her Mom, she shuddered at the thought of telling her. She would by far prefer never telling her but keeping her in the dark with almost everyone else, that would make her life so much easier. But it seemed that fate was cutting in._

_Veronica handed her the glass but Alicia shook her head. _

"_No thanks, I can't drink..." Making Veronica raise an eyebrow._

"_Why? Have you joined AA or become religious or something... that would be typical you... or is it Grace that said something..." Veronica looked at her questioningly, making Alicia roll her eyes yet again. _

"_No mom I didn't join AA or become religious." She answered._

"_Okay then drink up it is the best..." Veronica insisted._

"_I am pregnant, I can't drink." Alicia blunted out, making Veronica's jaw drop almost to the floor._

"_You are what?" She asked her, not really believing what Alicia had just said._

"_I am pregnant..." Alicia repeated._

"_How did you let that happen? And why?" Veronica asked._

"_I hope you know how by now... since you had me and Owen..." Alicia answered annoyed, she so didn't want to have this conversation at all._

"_Don't be snarky with me Alicia... That was not what I meant. How in the world were you dumb enough to get yourself pregnant at your age? And who is the father? Will? Peter? Someone else? It sounds like Peter, trapping you with a kid, finally when you were getting rid of him, he made sure you couldn't." Veronica ranted, while Alicia felt tears gathering in her eyes, and cursed her hormones._

"_Stop it Mom... please... I knew you would react like this that was why didn't tell you sooner... I wish Dad was here... he would know what to say or do so much better." Alicia said, her voice shaky and thick from her tears. _

"_Your Dad... like he would be any help in this mess you are in." She answered._

"_He wouldn't judge me... he wouldn't be mean and judge me, he never did..." Alicia answered, making Veronica look shocked, and a little hurt._

"_Is that what you think I am doing?... Alicia..." She started to say._

"_Yes, Mom you are judging me, you are always judging me, and trying to screw up MY LIFE. You never understood me! And you have never even tried to! You are always just judging me for not thinking like you." Alicia answered her words harder than ever, her hormones and the pain of her mother's hurtful words made her want to hurt her right back._

_Veronica looked hurt and took a step back and looked her daughter over._

"_I was right... wasn't I? It is Peter's child..." She concluded, and Alicia nodded slowly, unable to answer verbally. Veronica let out a deep breath, she didn't look happy at all._

"_I see... well I am sure he is happy... does this mean you are going back to him...?" She asked._

"_He doesn't know..." Alicia whispered softly, making Veronica gasp in shock._

"_You are pregnant with his child and he doesn't know... wow...so it is a recent thing I assume?" She asked and Alicia shook her head._

"_I am five months along." She held her hand to her stomach and pulled her loose night shirt up, showing her mother her clearly pregnant stomach. _

"_Five months? Five months and you are only telling me now... were you even going to tell me? How are you keeping this a secret, do your kids even know...?" Veronica said as she took a seat on one of the chairs at the counter, while Alicia did the same, letting out a heavy sigh._

"_I did plan on telling you... I was just scared... I don't know... I knew you wouldn't like it and I was scared of your reaction. I hide it with clothes. Winter clothes are helpful. I know I should have told you earlier, but I just couldn't, I had no idea how to bring it up... The kids know I am pregnant." Alicia admitted, almost relieved to finally tell her mother the whole thing, even with her judging it was nice to finally tell someone the full story._

"_The way you said it... with the kids... makes me think they don't know all of it... I am guessing they know you are pregnant but not that it is Peter's... Alicia what is going on...? You better start from the beginning." She knew her mother was being her most understanding and kind at the moment and she appreciated it._

"_At the end of May then we divorced he came over one night to sign the divorce papers. I mean I had them to sign and he was in Chicago anyway so instead of mailing them to him, he came over to pick them up. We ended up talking and signing them together while drinking some wine. I can't really remember who said or did what but I do know that I was lifted up onto the dining table on top of the just signed papers, and yeah I guess I don't really have to explain the rest." Alicia made a movement with her hand. Veronica looked like her ears were about to fall off._

"_You had sex with your ex-husband on top of your just signed divorce papers... wow... just when I thought you were boring... I guess that explains the how you ended up pregnant but what about the rest?" Veronica asked._

"_Well, I didn't find out for long I passed it on as the flu, and I wasn't much sick from it unlike with Grace. I know I should have noticed, and in the back of my mind I do think I knew it could be that but I really didn't want it to be this. So I tricked myself into thinking if I ignored it long enough it might not really be that... after all how could I be 43 and pregnant. I didn't find out until I went to the doctor thinking I had the flu. She did a check up and told me I was pregnant and I was three months along. I hadn't been with anyone since that one time in May so it had to have been Peter's. I wasn't sure what to do... how to take this... it was not fitting into anything. Actually it was anything but... I knew if I told Peter he would want to be there, he would be involved and I had finally moved on and I was starting to think I could be with Will. Also how could it work- a newborn... he is Governor, and he is doing an amazing job at it..." She said with a sigh looking at her mother, before continuing." _

"_He was born to be Governor or maybe even President one day... and if he learned I was pregnant with his child... he would want me to come to Springfield, which I wouldn't do... I can't do that... giving up my life and moving there...and if I told him I wouldn't do that he would give up the Governorship and move back here... and I can't let him do that... He would resent me and my child at some point if he did that... And I can't have that... I know he would... because I have been there... giving up my dreams because of him and my kids and I don't resent them, but for the last years before everything went down I wasn't happy either and I know Peter would feel the same if he gave up on his dream and destiny because of this. Maybe not in a month or two, maybe not even in years but at some point he would." She whispered, tears starting to gather in her eyes again, at the thought of Peter resenting her or the innocent life within her, because the little new life came at an unfortunate time. It made her heart break. She had been shocked and scared but she had loved the child from the moment she learned she was pregnant and she would never resent him or her because of timing. The thought was just too unbearable. She saw how Veronica nodded in understanding._

"_Yeah well that is why I have not told him. The kids know I am pregnant but I told them it was from a bad judgment call on my account right after the divorce, and I don't know who the father is. And they have to keep it a secret, that no one can know because if this got out, that I had a drunken one night stand and ended up pregnant so soon after the divorce it would be very harmful to Peter's career. So they couldn't tell anyone of this... not even him... as he would feel a need to help out and that would hurt his career, too." She continued to explain._

"_Let me get this right you told your kids you had a drunken one nights stand with a stranger right after finalizing the divorce to their father? And they couldn't tell anyone because you all need to protect Peter's career?" Veronica asked. _

"_Yes basically... " Alicia answered. _

"_I see... do you still love him...?" Veronica looked at her eyes searching hers to make sure if she lied or not. _

"_Mom... I don't... I have moved on... I really have... It is not about loving him. It is about how I know him and how he will react. And I know he is a great politician, and he can do so much good in those positions, and I can't have him drop that and end up resenting my kid. Also if I really gave up my life and moved there with the position he has now, my baby would get to grow up in the constant light of the media, everything with him or her would be gossip material, or stuff for the lifestyle section. And I don't want that for my child. He or she deserves a chance to grow up in peace, and have a normal innocent childhood like everyone else, not be a media attraction." Alicia sighed deeply, there were so many worries with this, but she felt she was truly doing the right thing. _

"_Okay fair enough... so you will keep it hidden that you are pregnant? How won't they notice it at work?"..._

* * *

"Alicia... " Her mother's voice pulled her back from the memory, and she looked at her again.

"Yes...?" She answered, not really able to remember what they had talked about before she was captured by the memory.

"You need to be careful... if for nothing else then for Cat..." Veronica looked at her with eagle sharp eyes, and Alicia nodded, her mother was right. It was dangerous for her to end in the media's spotlight again as that would mean she was in focus, and if she was that it would be hard to hide Cat. For example Cat and she loved going to the park and similar things, and if she became media focus, that would be over because of the risk of them being seen. Yeah the night before had been her not thinking but from now on she would. No more mistakes like dancing and snuggling up to Peter could be made. She was not going back there ever again.

* * *

_I hope that cleared up a bit of the questions about what happened and how Alicia did this and why... the rest will be cleared up along the way... also how Veronica went from being less that thrilled over the news of her daughter pregnant to helping her out. It will all be explained over time..._


	3. Chapter 3

_Okay so here we go more of this special project.  
_

_Don't own TGW and all that... you know the whole thing by now..._

_Oh and if you wonder in last chapter why AP only divorced in May though the election was in November... Well all I can say is the law of Illinois demands 6 months separation before a consented divorce, and since Alicia and Peter were sleeping regular together at the time of the election their legal separation were over and they would need another six months. _

* * *

**Chapter 3**

She walked happily in to the office Monday morning, the rest of the weekend had been rather uneventful, except Cat getting blueberry muffin on the couch.

Sure, pictures of her and Peter had been showed on TV, and Cat had made a comment about why mommy was on TV and if she was a movie star now, something Veronica had raised her eyebrow at, clearly wondering what explanation Alicia could come up with for this. Alicia had patiently explained to her daughter she wasn't a movie star but that sometimes people got in TV for other stuff and this was just that. Thankfully Cat hadn't been much interested and by far preferred My Little Pony over the news. The dance had still been spoken of in Sunday's paper, but mostly that one had focused on President Rubio and his oversea trip meeting with the English Prime minister, and how Hillary Clinton had openly stated she supported Peter and Diane, in relation to a meeting she had with Diane Saturday, with some photos of them shaking hands. She had however stayed inside with Cat much to her daughters displeasure, but she wasn't taking any chances of some obnoxious paparazzi person catching a photo of her and her precious little girl.

She did notice how some coworkers were looking at her strangely or curiously as she walked through the office, but she just shook it off - she had expected that to happen anyway. She said hello to her secretary and asked for any messages. She had only just gotten them handed over when Will came out of his office.

"Morning Will." She said with a smile, and started to walk into her own office, not noticing Will was following her until she heard him close the door after him. She turned around and looked at him.

"What is wrong? Is it the budget?" she asked confusedly as she took a seat at her desk.

"This... is what is the matter... this and all the similar papers and photos... from over the weekend" He said and walked over throwing today's paper at her desk. This article was far from the size of the ones from Saturday. And it wasn't on the front page anymore though it had one of the pictures where she sadly looked more like a love sick school girl than Peter's ex-wife. She felt like rolling her eyes because of the headline this time: "Old sparks freshly ignited!" - _Who came up with these things?_ She wondered.

"What about it Will?..." She asked looking up at him. Of course she knew he wouldn't be happy with it per say but she hadn't imagined he would react like this either. He looked at her for a moment not saying anything, then he sighed deeply and sat down in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"Are you alright?" He asked instead of answering her question, Alicia knew it meant he was being her friend instead of giving into the feelings her relationship with Peter clearly still caused, not that it was any surprise - Peter had after all not really liked hearing Will's name from her lips either. She gave Will a smile as a thank you for not going further down the road of anger.

"Yeah I am alright. I can't say I am happy with this... but I am alright..." She explained.

"And Cat?" He asked, though he wasn't much involved in her daughter's life when they were still together but he was now known as her uncle Will, and a far bigger part of her daughter's small family.

"She is alright too... no one knows of her yet... and all she has noticed was that she watched me in TV and asked if I was a movie star now." She said while smiling at the memory of her daughter saying that, and suddenly another memory played in. One from a long time ago, one of Peter calling her Grace Kelly, to Grace then she was Cat's age. It felt like forever since that had taken place and she suddenly felt like something was squeezing her heart a little.

"That is good I guess, right? But Alicia what were you thinking... this had to end up in the papers... I am not saying it to upset you... I am worried for you... and for Cat... this is not good..." He explained and she could see he meant it, and she nodded suddenly feeling tired again. Why was it all getting so screwed up? just because of one single dance. _Because it wasn't just a dance!_ A voice in her head screamed to her.  
"I know. You really don't have to tell me how I wasn't thinking, my mom already gave me the 3rd degree on that one... I know that it was a bad idea... trust me I know all of that..." She said waving her hand, as she got up from her chair walking over to the window, looking out of it. And leaning in closer so she could rest her forehead against the cold glass.

"Okay... Alicia I know it is none of my business... and it is probably wrong that I of all people ask this..." He broke off, clearly uncomfortable, she didn't turn back around but continued starring out over the Chicago skyline, letting the ice cold glass, cool down her head.

"What is it Will?" She asked, having no idea what he could be thinking of.

"Are you still in love with him... is this what it is about... what it has always been about...?" He asked, and she tensed up. She hadn't been surprised her mother sometimes wondered about this. After all she did chose to have Peter's child in a late age and she wasn't in a relationship with anyone else. and the only one she had seen after Peter was Will, and then that didn't work out she hadn't even considered dating again... but Will... never in all of this had she thought Will would wonder about that.

"No..." She answered not even hesitating, though she still didn't turn around. Outside it was raining lightly, and it reminded her of the weather the day years ago then she told Will about how she was pregnant, it had been raining back then too, _September rain_, just like now, it was almost 5 years ago now. She sighed heavily.

* * *

_They were working late on a case. She wished they could finish up soon as she was getting more and more tired. Pregnancy in her age was harder than she had imagined and she hadn't had much for dinner, and she knew that wasn't healthy for her baby nor herself. Unconsciously she touched her still rather flat belly. Sure, she had a so far rather small bump but nothing that couldn't be hidden, yet it felt exciting and made it more real to touch it. Making it a reality: that she really was pregnant. Holding her hand over the little bump that was her baby made her feel scared and warm all at the same time. She couldn't help smiling at it. _

_She usually tried to avoid touching it at work, as it would mean she drew attention to that part of her body and risked people noticing; that she wasn't just getting a little bigger and wearing looser clothes. She suddenly felt emotional; her baby. She loved her baby so much already though it scared her; yes terrified her completely. She swallowed deeply, trying to get rid of the lump forming in her throat due to her sudden burst of emotions, while cursing her hormones. _

"_Are you alright?" Will asked, pulling her from her special moment. She hadn't noticed he looked at her weirdly and had even seen how she was close to tearing up. She felt embarrassed, the case was not a particular hard or emotional one so that wouldn't be a good excuse for the glimmer of tears in her eyes. _

"_Alicia? Is something wrong?" He asked again, seeming to get nervous over why she didn't answer. She hadn't considered telling him before. If she even wanted to or not, and if she did want to how she was going to do it. Actually she hadn't even thought of how she was gonna hide her pregnancy for the rest of the time at work. But at that moment the words slipped out from her lips._

"_I'm pregnant..." She whispered, slapping her hand over her mouth in shock that she had actually said it. Will looked just as shocked and confused, almost like he didn't believe it. _

"_You are what?" He asked, it was clear he was making sure he had heard her correctly. She swallowed now there were no way back, she had let that slip it would only get more confusing if she didn't explain herself._

"_I'm pregnant..." She answered again, this time she wasn't whispering. _

"_Pregnant... but how? I didn't know... I didn't think... I didn't know you were seeing anyone..." He looked even more confused now and more than a little hurt. She had after all told him she needed time for herself after first the separation and then the divorce. A time to find herself and her ground. Who she was and could be, alone without a man. So she understood why he looked sad and confused because of this. _

_She gulped, she was pretty sure telling him the whole story wouldn't be a good idea but should she really give him the same story she had given her kids? However if she told him the true story she might make things so much worse. What should she do?_

* * *

"I just... I don't want you to get hurt... again, Alicia..." Will admitted softly making her focus on the present once more.

"I know... I know..." She turned around and gave him a half smile. She did know his anger and jealousy came mostly from him worrying over her, and her feelings and her heart and if she would end up broken once more, after all it wouldn't be the first time when it came to her and Peter, and there was a huge chance that if she even started to consider something like that she would end up heartbroken once more, after all Peter had happily moved on, with his blonde young future First Lady.

Will nodded.

"Good... just be careful alright?" He sighed and stood up, clearly letting her know he wasn't angry at all anymore, just worried.

"I will... You don't have to worry... It was just a dance..." She answered and then added: "nothing more..." But Will looked at her and sighed again, he didn't look happy and he didn't look like he really believed her either.

"Okay... I better leave I have Sweeney coming in..." He mentioned, making Alicia roll her eyes, knowing it was his real peace offering, an easy escape for her out of the tense subject of her and Peter.

"Has he killed someone again?" She asked, with a smile accepting what he was offering, also relieved that there would be no further talk about Peter.

"Nah, I think it is just a deposion if there is ever anything _just_ then it comes to Sweeney. I'll have Sabrina sit in, I like her as my second chair, and Sweeney likes having partners on his case. Hope that is alright with you." He answered and Alicia raised an eyebrow. Sabrina Brennan, he seemed to work a lot with her lately. _Was there something going on there she should know?_ She wondered briefly.

"Okay... but I think she has the Jenkins deposition but we can have Jason take over that one if needed." She answered.

"Good, thanks... by the way, wanna have dinner one of the next days? It has been a while. I could take you and Cat to Pizano's..." He offered. They did that sometime, pizza dinners out, not every week, but from time to time, and Pizano's was always a success with her daughter.

"Sure that sounds good. Thanks... also thanks for you know..." She made a movement with her head. "The other stuff..." She admitted. Though it was also annoying, it did feel good that he cared enough about her to worrying over her getting hurt again, even now as friends.

She had feared they would lose their friendship when they discovered how they didn't work out as a couple but instead it had grown better, and become more like extended family, which was good when you considered Owen didn't have many advices that made sense most of the time, Will however usually had. And she was glad they had not lost that because of a love that wasn't the one they had thought it could be at one time long ago.

"Cool. Does Friday work for you?" He offered and she nodded.

"Friday sounds perfect." She accepted and he nodded and left her office for his meeting with Sweeney, while Alicia walked back over to her chair and sat down with a sigh.

Her gaze rested on the newspaper once more for a few brief seconds staring at the picture of Peter and her, before her eyes shifted to a picture she had on her desk of herself with Zach and Grace. And though no one else would be able to tell Cat was in the picture as well, because under her loose dress she had on at the time it was taken was hidden a 5 month baby bump. And again like she had done so many times she asked herself if she was and had made a mistake keeping her beloved baby girl a secret from her father - a father she knew would have loved her and spoiled her rotten if he had gotten the chance. But like every other time she shook her head, _she couldn't think like that_. She knew how it would have gone had she told him back then and telling him now would only create a scandal: One that could very well make him lose the presidency and she didn't want that. No. done was done. You couldn't go back and undo the past, she had learned that many times over the years, and the same was case here once more.

She sighed and pulled out the first case file she needed to look over that day, pushing everything else from her mind, focusing on nothing but work.

* * *

_So what did you think? Still interested? _


	4. Chapter 4

_Don't own the good wife._

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Alicia studied the Degas in front of her, she had always enjoyed the soft colors in this one, and had always been a great admirer of his ballet pictures, even more now that Cat was a ballerina herself. Many of Alicia's weekends or afternoons if she could make it fit with work, were now spent watching her daughter's dance recitals. Her little girl with her long dark curls tied up, and a light blue tutu, she looked a lot like a miniature version of the girls on the picture in front of her.

Alicia's court hearing had been pushed to next week much to her annoyance. She had considered going back to the office, but hadn't done so after calling Will, and him telling her it seemed like it was a slow day so she should take the afternoon to herself and Cat instead. Cat however was at her own ballet class, and since she now had the time she spent the time waiting for her daughter to finish walking around in the art museum, looking at pictures of ballet dancers instead.

Her mother was with Cat at ballet, and when Alicia had offered to stay instead and watch, her little but strong minded daughter had told her no, it should be a surprise. So she had left and Veronica stayed with a promise of them all meeting up after and going for ice-cream later on. Veronica had like Will told Alicia to spent her free time on herself instead.

She had considered a spa treatment, something she could certainly use, but there wasn't enough time. Instead she settled on a visit to the Art Institute of Chicago, that was in walking distance from the ballet studio and her own home as well. She checked her watch and sighed, there was still an hour left before she could expect to hear from her mother, after all Cat would need to shower after the lesson, and drying and combing her mane of dark curls after was a project in itself, and one that normally ended in a fight and tears because of how it hurt. So Alicia was truth be told more than relieved to leave the hair care of her little girl to her own mother, since according to Cat, _Grandma didn't pull her hair as much_.

"So you are still interested in the impressionists?" A man behind her asked, making Alicia spin around in surprise over being interrupted. She blinked a few times in shock over seeing him here, right in front of her, _what was he doing in Chicago? And more so what was he doing here in the museum?_

"Peter..." She whispered, still in shock over seeing him. "What are you doing here?" _Smooth Alicia, smooth,_ she thought to herself. Like there wasn't far better ways to ask that, or ways to greet your ex-husband. He clearly thought the same as he raised an eyebrow at her.

"Of all the places... in all the world..." he started to say making her roll her eyes in good nature.

"Casablanca, really Peter? You couldn't find something more present?" She mocked him with a smile, making him laugh at her.

"Well I thought it would help in case things were awkward between us..." he teased her back, making her smile a little more.

"Awkward why should they?" She offered.

"Well why should they..." he accepted. She knew he had feared they would be tense because of how their dance had landed her on the front page of every newspaper, and how she was still mentioned in a short piece in the life style section the day before. And truth be told, things easily could have been like that, hadn't he made sure to make a joke like this. Now she just had to make sure there were no tension on her part and that was easy enough.

"So back in Chicago already?" She asked instead.

"Yeah, Meredith's father's birthday on Saturday so we are back for the weekend, I have a meeting with a potential donor tomorrow, and another that was canceled today." He answered, and she nodded.

"So you decided to drop by here?" She asked, while they slowly started to walk through the room side by side.

"Yeah something like that. Meredith had already planned a spa treatment with her mother, and she was never much for art. So yeah... I needed to find something to do. Unless I want to spent the day hearing about how to run the country and how to not fall for things such as health reforms and social security for everyone. Do I need to mention that her father is a republican?" He told her, making Alicia laugh. She had heard about General Avery form Zach and Grace, and his principles.

"Well at least you were in the army. Zach once told me he had been told he wasn't a real man because he hadn't served according to the General." She answered, pausing in front of another picture.

"True... I am just relieved Zach didn't listen to him... you should only do that if you feel for it..." Peter answered, and then changed the subject. "Monet... right? You always liked him, and his water lilies. I will never forget how happy you were when you realized I had taken you for that weekend in New York, to see his pictures, that museum of modern art had borrowed." He mentioned as he studied the picture beside her. She nodded slowly: He wasn't the only one that wouldn't ever forget that trip, she wouldn't either both because of the surprise that he had brought her there to see the paintings, but also because she was pretty sure it was on that trip that Grace was conceived.

They continued talking about the pictures and his campaign while walking through more rooms. She enjoyed it, it felt good to talk with him and spent time with him like that, so relaxed, so familiar. It had been a long time since she had talked about stuff like this with anyone really. Her mother was right the other day then she told her she was so caught up in being a mother and lawyer that she seemed to have forgotten how to be a woman. She really didn't have any friends except Will, and Kalinda, and neither one of them were people she could discuss art, music or politics with, so walking through the gallery talking with Peter like they once used to do all the time felt... well it felt _amazing_. She had forgotten the time completely until her phone rang, but suddenly she remembered the plan to meet Cat and her Mom, and started to panic, they were so close by. And if she left now Peter would wonder especially when she had just agreed to have coffee with him, before he was to meet Meredith and her parents for dinner. She silently cursed herself, and her lack of thinking, and excused herself stepping away from Peter, saying it was work and she needed to take that call.

* * *

"Hi Mom..." She whispered into the phone.

"Alicia we are ready, where should we meet...?" Veronica asked, and Alicia winced and cursed silently, Cat would be so disappointed, but the risk of Peter seeing her or even worse _the press_ was too big. She considered what to do for a few seconds before coming to a conclusion.

"Mom I need you to do something, I can't meet you right now... but will you take her to the Navy Pier, she loves that place and I will meet you there in a few hours and we can have dinner out." She whispered into the phone, while checking that Peter wasn't listening.

"What? Why? Alicia..." Veronica started.

"Mom... please... and can you make sure she wears a hat of some sort..." Alicia begged her Mom, God she knew this was stupid, but she couldn't think of anything else, beside this or telling Peter. _And that was not an option. _

"Alicia what is going on... oh you are scared she will be seen... but why? The press is no longer interested that was last weekend... unless you have done... Alicia who are you with right now? Why are you whispering...? God you are hanging out with Peter aren't you? What is he doing here? Are you sure I shouldn't rather keep Cat at home in this case?" Veronica had figured out what was up, and now seemed to agree to help Alicia out.

"No take her there... I agreed to coffee... we will go home and pick up the dog and go for a walk... should be safe... so take her there... she loves that place and I will meet you guys later... I promise..." Alicia whispered back.

"I see... just Alicia don't do anything stupid... and for God's sake please remember to use a condom this time... unless you plan another secret... or thinks Cat needs to have another sibling.." Her mother told her completely serious.

"MOM!" Alicia gasped, quickly looking over at Peter who looked at her completely confused, clearly having heard her this time. _Damn it_. She had told him it was work related and would now need to tell him it was her mother instead. She moved a little further away.

"It is just coffee, mom... coffee..." Alicia whispered into the phone.

"Whatever you say... as far as I know for most people signing divorce papers don't mean sex either... so I figured coffee might be code... and you do need to get laid, with how stressed you seem lately. And since you won't date I figured..." Veronica answered her, making Alicia roll her eyes.

"Thank you mother... Coffee is just coffee... So will you take her there?" Alicia asked instead, knowing if she kept on this discussion, her mother would too.

"Sure, you will call when you are done having "Coffee"?" Her mother asked, and Alicia heard how she was putting pressure behind the word coffee, clearly not believing Alicia.

"I will... thank you." She hung up the phone. And walked back over to Peter, who looked confused.

"Sorry, I was wrong, it wasn't work but my Mom... she is out and asked if I could walk our dog instead of her like she usually does in the afternoons." _lame much Alicia_ she thought to herself, but it was all she could come up with. She could see Peter looked confused but nodded.

"Of course, I get it... we can do coffee some other time..." He offered polity, she could see he thought it was her excuse for getting out of it.

"No... it was not what I meant... our... my new house is close by... if we could just walk by and pick up my dog... I could walk her while we had coffee." She offered instead, with a little smile, making Peter smile back, clearly happy she wasn't backing out.

"That would be great... sounds like a plan... and I could meet the famous dog. Grace seems to love your dog a lot, and is happy you have one again..." He smiled back and they started to walk in the direction of the entrance.

* * *

They walked side by side to her house, talking about the new area she lived in and how pretty it was. She made up some excuse of why she had moved here other than the real one: _That the area was better when she had Cat, and she needed the extra space_. But instead she explained how it was close to the court building and a nice area and she preferred a house over an apartment.

She unlocked the door and opened it, stepping inside. Right away she was met by the sound of barking and her German Sheppard running to greet her.

"Hey... you... aww you are such good dog... aren't you?The best dong in the whole wold... are you ready for you walk?yes mommy is gonna take you for a walk... aww you are the best dog..." She told it as she bend down to rub it's neck. She had gotten the dog two years before when they moved here. It was her dog though her mother was the one mostly watching it. Peter stepped in behind her and the next moment the air was field by the sound of barking, sneering and growling at him.

"Petra stop that..." Alicia reprimanded.

"What? Alicia I didn't even touch it... I didn't do anything...it is your dog!" Peter looked at her confused, over her harsh tone.

"No, not you.. Petra" She answered.

"Okay I don't get it... why do you keep saying my name..." And suddenly he looked like he realized something. "You named your dog after me? The kids sure have forgotten to mention that one..." He said while he started to laugh, making her roll her eyes once more.

"Actually I didn't... my Mom did... also it is not Peter but Petra, she is female!" Alicia explained, while wishing Zach and Grace had told him that about her dog as well, and wondering briefly why they hadn't.

"Your Mom named your dog after me?" He asked, still chuckling.

"Yes... something about how that it would be an easy name for her to remember and reprimand." Alicia answered while cracking a smile of her own. She had laughed a lot too then she had first heard Veronica calling her that, she had tried to change it, but Petra was what had stuck with them.

Peter tried to stop laughing, and Petra seemed to have accepted him more and was now smelling his stretched out hand. And he bend down and rubbed her.

"I had heard you had gotten a dog from the kids, but they had sure forgotten to mention the name. Was it Veronica's brilliant revenge?" He asked Alicia with a smile, she felt relieved he was laughing at it rather than being offended like so many others would be.

"Yeah something like that..." It was not like she was gonna tell him that her mother had named her that after finding her sleeping in Alicia's bed while they tried to train her to sleep in her basket downstairs, and she every night seemed to sneak upstairs and end up in Alicia's bed, her mother had made a comment about how she reminded her of Peter, _always ending up in her bed when he shouldn't. _

He got up from the floor and Petra ran through the hallway.

"Where is she going, aren't you gonna walk her?" he asked confused.

"She is trained. She knows I am home now and that means a walk, so she is going to get her leash. So I can walk her." Alicia, explained and Peter nodded.

"Who trained her? Did veronica really do that?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah she did... I mean... I did some of the training but my Mom really did a lot of it... I think she saw it as a project, instead of drinking and running after men." Alicia explained.

"I see... I was always shocked that you really did let your mom move in. When you first told me I could hardly believe it, and wondered many times how you two made that work. But it seems to be working..." He admitted. She remembered the day she had told him about it over the phone and his surprise and shock.

"Yeah... I can't say it is easy but... it works... helps that her room is on the second floor and mine on the 3rd." Alicia explained with a smile.

"I see... can I have a tour?" He asked her teasingly, and his eyes suddenly had a weird glimmer in them.

"No... not now... no tour... Petra needs to be taken for a walk, she has been home alone for hours." She answered, knowing there was no way she could take him for a tour, all over the rest of the house there were signs of Cat.

"Too bad..." He smiled at her.

"Yeah... " she answered. "But if you are good and help me walk her... and stop teasing me with the fact that I have a dog named after you I _might_ show you around another time." She added with a smile.

"You are sure confident I will be visiting you again soon..." He answered while moving a bit closer.

"Well I thought we were being friendly, and I have friends over..." She asked, teasing him a little.

"I see... well I can be your friend..." he said with a smile.

"Okay then you need to be good and stop mocking me." She answered.

"Good... I see.. I can be good... I can be very good..." He whispered moving a little bit closer once more.

"You can be good?" She asked, the air between them suddenly felt like it was static, and she could feel his breath on her face by now.

"I can be very good..." He whispered back and the next second his lips brushed over hers. His arms wrapped around her waist pulling her close against his hard chest. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him even closer, crouching her breasts against him, and kissing him back with equal favor.

His hands were stroking her back and running over her ass gripping it tightly, while their tongues were mating and stroking each other. She sucked on his tongue lightly, teasing him, as he pushed her up against her front door. She lifted one leg wrapping it around him bringing him closer, his by now prominent erection being pressed further into where she needed him the most. He pushed her skirt up further and lifted her by her ass so he could fully press against her. The by now soaked lace of her panties pressing against her clit giving her a bit of friction but not nearly as much as she needed so she grounded her hips against his, showing him her desperate need for more.

His lips left hers and he started kissing along her cheek and neck, making her moan and wrap herself more around him. _God, her mother had been right, she needed this, she needed it badly_. It felt like her body was on fire. And she needed him more than she could have imagined. She let her hands find their way between them unbuckling his belt and she was in the process of pulling down his zipper while he found a peeked nipple through her thin blouse, sucking on it biting it lightly making her whimper in pleasure. That was then she felt it something wet against her calf. It didn't feel bad, just weird but what was he doing? She moaned again, and then she heard it, barking. _Barking? What was going on?_ But the sound didn't stop.

"ahr..." Peter gasped and pulled away from her, Petra had jumped up against his leg, in her excitement over the prospect of a walk. And suddenly Alicia was back in the present. _What was she doing?_ She couldn't be making out with Peter like that. He tried to lean back in but she placed a hand on his chest stopping him.

"Peter stop... we can't... we are.. what are... we can't do this... what were we thinking..." She gasped in shock and panic.

"Alicia..." He started to say.

"NO! Peter... you are.. you have Meredith... We are divorced! We can't be doing this... we shouldn't be doing this... I can't do... we shouldn't." She whispered, suddenly completely utterly confused. This couldn't be happening, this was not supposed to be happening, it was actually very much not supposed to happen.

"Yeah you are right... I am sorry Alicia... I should... I should go..." He admitted. "You are right I have Meredith... I love her... This... it was... I should go..."

She nodded slowly, moving away from the door.

"Yeah... I am... we can just... can we just forget this?" She asked softly, nothing about this situation felt right suddenly. He nodded and moved so he could open the door, he paused for a moment, and turned back and looked at her.

"I am sorry Alicia..." He said softly with a half smile.

"Yeah... I am too..." She whispered back looking away from him, suddenly unable to look at him, because of how confused she was feeling. She heard him close the door behind him, but didn't look over. _What was wrong with her?_ She didn't love him. They were divorced and he loved someone else. They had just been caught up in the moment, because they had been spending the afternoon together, acting like they once did every day, back when they were together and in love. That was all it was. She didn't love him it was just nostalgic and her not having sex in a long time. It couldn't be more,_ it just couldn't be_. She felt a gentle push against her hand, the wet snout of Petra's reminding her of her presence, and how it was walk time. Alicia sighed and looked down at her, and rubbed her head gently. She bend down and picked up the leash Petra had brought.

* * *

"You came here earlier than I expected." Veronica said as Alicia met her mother, who was watching Cat riding the carousel. It had only been this summer that Cat had told them that she was a big girl now and big girls rode the carousel by themselves. So from then on neither Alicia or Veronica had been allowed to take her. "And I see you brought Petra... hey girl..." She said and rubbed the dog gently.

"Yeah I did... we dropped coffee..." Alicia admitted, making her mother look up, and one look at her face made her mother sigh.

"Please tell me you took the advice, and did use a condom this time." Her mother said with a raised eyebrow.

"Mom..." Alicia gasped, but how could she have expect anything else from her mother.

"What? Really it is not your standard. You two seem to forget those a lot." Veronica answered.

"We didn't have sex." Alicia told her, "What? We didn't..." She said when she saw how Veronica just raised an eyebrow once more.

"Okay so only oral sex? You have the whole guilty look over you, meaning you did something... So what did you do? Blow him? Awww come on Alicia don't look at me like that? There is nothing wrong with giving a man a decent blow job, most love it, and it makes them so eager to return the favor." She answered standing back up.

"Mom, what is wrong with you? Have you seen where we are?" Alicia hissed at her annoyed.

"Yeah and no one is listening. So what did you do? Since you didn't have sex or oral sex, but clearly are acting all guilty and confused." Veronica insisted once more.

"Would you stop saying sex? Please." Alicia hissed again, only to be interrupted by a little bundle of dark bunching curls flying over hugging her legs, with a loud.

"Mommy!"

Alicia caught her daughter and lifted her up, so she was resting on her hip, hugging her and kissing her curls. She buried her face into her dark curls and hugged her closer. Her little girl in her arms was just what she needed now. She wouldn't even bother complaining about her mother forgetting to put Cat a hat on, because holding her daughter made her feel better.

"Mommy you are squeezing me. Did you see me riding? Can I please have a pony? Please mommy." Cat asked while pushing against Alicia.

"I saw you, munchkin." Alicia answered, avoiding the pony question, like she usually tried to. Cat smiled though so it seemed to work this time as well.

"Mommy what is sex?" She asked instead, making Alicia flinch.

"Cat..." She started to say while her mother started to laugh loudly.

"Is it a bad word? But then why could you and grandma say it?" her daughter pouted, her little face getting an annoyed frown, not unlike one Alicia had seen many times on Peter's face.

"No, munchkin. It is just a word you shouldn't use... It is a word little girls shouldn't use." She told her while giving her mother a death glare.

"Okie. Can we have pizza now?" Cat asked, letting it slide, while Alicia sighed happily that her daughter still was in the age where she could easily let things slide for something else.

"Sure munchkin lets go get some pizza and maybe some ice-cream for dessert." Alicia offered, getting a loud _yeah_ out her little girl, because of the prospect of ice-cream. She sat her back down on the ground taking her hand. And together they started walking in the direction of a place where they could get some pizza, Cat happily telling her about her day in preschool and her ballet class.

* * *

Behind her Veronica studied the picture of her daughter, granddaughter and their dog. She had never before considered it, but maybe there really should be a man, a father there with them too. And she had a weird feeling she might have a hand in why there wasn't, and for the first time ever Veronica felt insecure if she had really always advised Alicia in what was right for Alicia and Cat, or if she had mostly advised her in what had been right for Veronica herself. This made her feel weird, and she didn't like that feeling at all, so she shook her head and followed them, decided on not thinking about that at all. Peter Florrick wasn't good for her daughter, he had just caused her misery and pain, and from the look of her daughter's face tonight, it seemed to be repeating itself once more.

* * *

_So what are your thoughts after this chapter? please let me know... I love reading your reviews, they makes me write faster... so thank you for all of those..._


	5. Chapter 5

_Also a warning the first part of this chapter is hard T-rated..  
_

_I don't own the good wife.  
_

* * *

**Chapter 5**

_His lips left hers and drifted down to her neck, sucking on the tender skin there, as his hands ran along her naked body. She moaned as he tasted the soft skin of her throat, before drawing a line down to her collarbone, before he returned and stole a kiss of her lips again. Moving in a line from her lips and down to her ear he sucked gently on the lobe, nibbling on it teasingly. She whimpered softly because of his ministrations and she pushed up against him in pleasure. His hand ran down her side to her bare thigh. She had bend her leg to make better room for him, the tips of his fingers stroking the warm skin as he continued to explore her mouth. She held his face tenderly in between her palms, the metal of her wedding ring cold against his warm skin. His hard body resting against hers, hard angles against soft curves molding together, like they were made to be fitted like this._

_His fingers slid from her thigh and over the soft skin of her inner thigh until they brushed the slick sensitive skin between her legs. She whimpered in pleasure just from a simple stoke of his fingers over her most sensitive part. He rubbed her softly, letting a finger circle her entrance gently, before spreading some of her wetness over her folds and rubbing her clit softly. He did this a few times before finally sliding a finger into her body. She instantly clenched down on it, moaning deeply into his mouth. He moved it gently inside of her in a slow pace. _

_She whimpered for she was more sensitive than she had thought she would be, her already over stimulated nerve endings were on fire, and more sore than she had imagined form their night of love making but this still felt amazing. _

_He moved a second finger into her, as his lips found the secret spot behind her ear, kissing it and making her shudder in pleasure. His thumb found her clit and rubbed it, as the tips of his fingers found the most sensitive spot in her, making her shudder and clench down._

* * *

"Alicia... Alicia would you like more coffee..." Will asked her, once more pulling her from her day dreaming. Ever since the day before and her heated encounter with Peter, they didn't seem to want to leave her alone. It was driving her crazy. Her mother would have a field day if she learned that all she really seemed to be thinking of was sex. She blinked a few times hoping to focus again. She was out at the planned dinner with Will and Cat at Pizano's, it had been a relaxing but fun night. Now Cat was coloring in a book while Alicia and Will were finishing up their coffee.

"No... No more coffee I am fine thank you." She answered him, then she figured what he had asked. He nodded and instead asked the waitress standing at their table to pay. While Alicia looked at her daughters picture. She seemed to be coloring a landscape.

"Cat, the sun is not green." She told her little girl seeing her starting to paint the sun a bright bottle green color.

"My sun is... Right Uncle Will? I can paint my sun green..." Can answered while looking up at Alicia.

"Sure you can... I am sure somewhere in the world the sun is green..." Will answered Cat. Alicia roll her eyes at him, she could hear he was on the edge of laughter.

"See Mommy the sun can be green..." Cat said as she returned to painting.

"See what you did... one of the next days she will ask me to find her a green sun. Where do I find that?" Alicia looked at Will annoyed, making him break out in laughter.

"I am sure you can find a picture online..." he defended himself.

"Smart ass..." She mumbled annoyed while the waitress returned and Will paid. Alicia took another sip of her coffee. "So what is up with you and Mrs. Brennan? You have worked a lot with her lately..." Alicia asked looking at him suspiciously. She took in how he flinched, and suddenly grew worried. _Damn _that meant there might be more to it than just work. She suddenly felt bad for him, was he developing feelings for a married woman once more.

"Will...?" She asked reaching over the table, touching his arm.

"Yeah... Alicia it is nothing... " He said but one look at his eyes told her it was a lot more than nothing.

"You like her don't you...?" She pressed, she wasn't really sure if she should do that, but she felt she should as his friend. She knew a bit about the women he had dated after her, not much but simple stuff, never before had he actually had this look about him, the last time she saw that was years ago and there it was because of herself.

"Yeah... but... Alicia it is nothing... She is funny, we talk, and it feels amazing... but I also know it is hopeless because she is married. And I can't do that. Not again..." He admitted, and she felt bad, terribly bad. She had really hurt him back then. "Don't feel bad Alicia... we are past that... we are good now... I just know I can't go back to that again... yes she doesn't live with her husband anymore... but neither did you in a period. But she is still married and I can't... that is not your fault it is just..." He sighed. She wished she knew what to say, wished she could tell him anything comforting.

"She doesn't have kids... that makes it easier to let go I imagine..." She whispered, hoping that would give him a bit of hope. She wished she knew something better to say.

"Well she is still an employee... even if she..." he mumbled, and Alicia knew what he meant even if she wasn't married there would still be tons of other complications, too.

"Well those can be worked around, she is a partner already so there won't be any hints of quid pro quo... or favoritism..." She offered kindly, and he nodded. She gulped.

"I am sorry Will..." She had wished for him that he would meet someone and fall for her for real and that he would get to be happy. And now it seemed he might once more end up getting hurt. She hated the other woman a little for that, and at the same time hated that she would also be able to understand the other woman if she chose to stay with her husband, go back to him once more and give it another chance.

"I know... I will be alright don't worry Alicia... Really don't... " He answered. Alicia nodded and was about to say something else, when she heard it. A laughter she by now hated, though she had only heard it on TV and last weekend. She looked over her shoulder and her eyes grew large. This couldn't be happening. _He was here... _He was here with Meredith and two kids she didn't know_. But he was here, _and any moment if he turned around he could see her and Will and Cat. He could see Cat._ No this couldn't be happening. What could she do? _

"Alicia isn't that...?" Will started to say, clearly having followed her gaze. She spun back around.

"Will, I need you to help me... I need you to not ask and just help me... He can't see her... Please..." She was suddenly in panic. And she knew he would understand.

"Of course what do you want me to do? Distract them? While you leave?" He offered.

"No... if he is here on a date or something... the Press will be here too... they can't see me with her... please Will take my car and take her home... I am sure they will let you leave through the back..." She was panicking.

"Of course." he nodded and accepted both her car keys and house keys she held out to him. He turned to her daughter. "Hey Kitty Cat... What do you say that I take you home and I read you a bedtime story. Your Mom needs to work." Cat looked up and smiled.

"A long one?" She asked, hopefully.

"Yes a really long one, Cherry-pie!" He smiled, making Cat's face light up, like New Years Eve.

Alicia sighed in relief when Cat willingly went with Will, letting him lift her up. It wasn't that she had doubted it but sometimes she would get fussy at this time at night and that could easily be something like how she wouldn't leave her Mommy. Alicia quickly handed Will Cat's bag, and Will passed her his keys.

"I will get her home... take your time... is Veronica at home?" he asked her.

"No, she is out... with Owen... she will be home later... please Will just get her out now..." Alicia whispered, while checking over her shoulder. Peter and Meredith and the kids were still waiting to be seated. And she said a silent prayer that it was a busy night and it seemed to take some time even for the presidential nominee, though Peter seemed like he was talking his way into getting a table. She looked back at Will who nodded in agreement. And moved in the direction of the kitchen where he should be able to get out through a back entrance. She saw how he talked with a waitress who nodded and smiled and then seemed to guide him in the right direction. She sighed with relief. She would need to wait a little longer so she was sure Cat and Will were gone when she moved out, in case the press really caught interest in her. She had been shocked that they hadn't caught more of her and Peter the day before, but them walking didn't seem to have been interesting enough to get anything but a small picture and a small notice in the lifestyle section with a comment on how they seemed close, and another comment on their dance.

However the press finding out she was having dinner at the same restaurant Peter went to was sure to end up in the papers, so she needed to know Cat was completely out of sight before moving out there. She waited for a few more minutes, Peter didn't seem to get the table he wanted as fast as he needed. And she could see how Meredith seemed to get impatient and seemed to be complaining. She wondered who the two blonde kids a boy and a girl she guessed were between 8 and 12. She knew Meredith didn't have children, so she had no idea who they were, but she was sure the papers would tell her tomorrow.

She checked her watch and sighed, okay, ten minutes had passed, Will and Cat should be gone now. She got up from the table, walking through the restaurant. She would need to walk past where Peter and Meredith were standing, she sighed and walked over, plastering a smile on her face.

"Alicia... what are you doing here?" Peter asked in surprise as he looked up and saw her approach.

"Having dinner... I am just done... Ms. Avery." She nodded at Meredith, who nodded back, with a half sour smile on her face. Alicia wanted to roll her eyes at her. It was clear Peter's new love was liking her as little as she liked her. The more she heard and saw of her the more she found her snobbish and annoying. "I hope you have a lovely night..." She continued knowing she needed to move away fast, it was already awkward with what had happened between her and Peter the day before. And no matter her personal feelings for Meredith, she felt bad for what her and Peter had almost done to her. How they had been that stupid. She had been the woman Meredith was now and she knew how much it hurt, and how terrible she would feel if she ever found out. Kissing might not be sex but it was still bad, it was crossing the line, and more so they would have had sex if Petra hadn't interrupted them. And the more she looked at Peter standing there beside Meredith the worse she felt, the more she felt guilty. _What had she done? How could she do something that stupid?_

She looked at the two kids quickly, their faces looked a lot like Meredith's so she presumed it was family of some sort. The girl stared Alicia down, while the boy didn't seem to care.

She smiled at Peter again, biting down her guilt.

"Thank you Alicia." He answered kindly, smiling back at her. She noticed the annoyed look Meredith gave him because of it, but didn't react other than nod, and continued out of the restaurant.

She looked for Will's car in the parking lot, and had almost reached it when she heard her name being called out.

"Alicia... Alicia wait up..." She spun around, facing Peter who had caught up with her. She looked around checking if she could see anyone from the press, but there was no one in sight.

"Peter... you shouldn't be here, you should be in there with Meredith and those two kids I have no idea who they are... but you should be there." She told him pointing at the restaurant. _God why couldn't she have a normal relaxing dinner with her best friend without ending up here?_

"Alicia... please, I just wanna talk with you... yesterday..." He started.

"No, please Peter... let's just forget it happened... like we talked about... it wasn't anything..." She sighed and started to turn back around.

"Alicia please wait... please... can we just..." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration, and stared at him.

"What do you want Peter? You have Meredith... I am not gonna be the other woman... do you have any idea how much she would be hurting, knowing what we almost did... please just go back inside... please..." She whispered softly, suddenly feeling drained and exhausted, this was too much, and she wasn't sure what she actually felt, why it bothered her seeing Peter with Meredith. Why it hurt knowing that he would marry Meredith one day, and maybe even have more children, after all Meredith wasn't that old yet.

"I just... can't we be friends Alicia... I know what happened yesterday when we said that but I... I enjoyed spending time with you... I enjoyed talking with you... what we talked about yesterday... I have never handled a donor meeting better than the one today, and that was because of all we had talked about. I had forgotten how great it was to have someone to talk to like that..." He admitted softly. She raised an eyebrow, shaking her head lightly.

"God, you are selfish Peter... you think it is alright to ask this because it helps your campaign." She shook her head and turned away unlocking the car and opening the door.

"It wasn't what I meant... Alicia I just... I wanna be your friend." He whispered, and against her will she felt wetness in her eyes. Selfish bastard, asking that of her. She didn't answer but instead she got into the car. Not wanting to think of why it hurt her that he asked to just be her friend. Why it actually bothered her. She started the car and backed out of the lot, not looking at Peter.

* * *

She drove an extra round before driving to her house, she parked Will's car beside her own. She smiled a little when she saw it and got out, walking up to her house. She hung up her coat in the closet before walking upstairs, taking the stairs instead of the elevator in case Cat was asleep. She looked into daughter's bedroom. Will was sitting on the bed reading for a by now half asleep Cat, while Petra rested on the food of the bed. She smiled softly at the picture, her anger at Peter fading though her unexpected feelings still confused her. She stood there in the door listening to the end of Will's story reading.

"Uncle Will... did they live happily ever after?" Cat asked, looking up at him and making Alicia's heart sting a little.

"Sure they did Cherry-Pie..." He answered, stroking her curls.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked, looking up at him, and Alicia wondered what it could be.

"Sure... you know you can... anything..." He answered calmly.

"I am scared it will make Mommy sad... but I really wanna know. Will you promise not to tell her?" Cat admitted, and Alicia gasped. What could her daughter possible wonder about?

"Sure, I promise Kitty Cat... It will be our secret." He smiled down at her. Alicia was barely breathing, listening curiously about what it could be.

"Why don't I have a Daddy? Everyone else do... but I don't... Zach and Gracie do, but I don't..." Cat whispered softly, and Alicia suddenly felt tears in her eyes once more. She hadn't ever before heard her little girl even mentioning it, but now she was and she was sad because of it. Her baby girl was missing a Dad. And Alicia had more or less just decided she never again even wanted to see Peter, let alone let him know about the precious little girl he was the father to, but didn't know about.

"Oh... Cherry-Pie... it is complicated... it is about a lot of adult stuff... but not everyone has a Dad who is there... I don't have one either..." he told her gently, pulling her closer, and Alicia felt a tear run down her cheek. God, why couldn't things be easier?

"Did he leave me because he doesn't love me?" Cat whispered, breaking Alicia's heart. How could she not have known that her little girl was thinking like this.

"No, princess... I know he loves you very much... it is just complicated... but you have so many people that love you, your Mommy, Grandma, uncle Owen, Zach and Gracie and me... we all love you so much and so does your daddy... even though you don't see or know him." He told her as he stoked her curls tenderly.

Alicia watched how Cat nodded, and snuggled a bit closer to Will, and she couldn't have felt more guilty than in that moment. What had she done? Peter would love Cat so much, and Will seemed to love her like a father would, too. And she was robbing her little girl of a father.

"Uncle Will?" Cat whispered softly.

"Yes, princess?" He answered.

"Could you be my daddy?" Her words made Alicia stiffen completely, her breath suddenly gone as she listened to hear what Will would answer.

"I am so sorry, Princess... but it is not that easy..." he answered her with a deep sigh.

"But you love me?" Cat whispered softly.

"Yes, Cherry-Pie... I love you so much..." He told her gently.

"But you don't love Mommy?" Alicia was pretty sure she hadn't breathed for minutes by now, and it didn't seem like her daughter intended for her to start soon again.

"I love your Mommy, too... but it is more complicated than just loving someone..." He whispered gently and then added, while kissing her curls. "You should sleep now Cherry-Pie... It is late..." He told her gently. Alicia took in how he tucked her in and kissed her on the head once more.

"Nightie uncle Will..." She whispered, as he turned off the light.

"Nightie Princess Catherine." He told her back, making her giggle before he walked to the door. Alicia locked eyes with him and he sighed and nodded. Alicia closed the door to Cat's room almost completely leaving it only open enough so Petra could get out, which she would sometime through the night to walk over to Alicia's bedroom, and get on her bed instead. They walked a little away from the door, before he turned to her.

"How much did you hear of it?" He asked her gently.

"It all... all of it. My daughter is hurting and I didn't even know." She whispered, feeling tears slide down her cheeks.

"Hey hey... come here..." He offered and held out his arms, pulling her into a tight embrace. She buried her face into his shoulder, enjoying the warmth of his arms. He placed a gentle kiss on hair. Alicia pulled back a little and looked into his eyes.

"Alicia?" He asked her gently, but she cut off his words with her lips, kissing him passionately.

He returned it for a brief moment, but then pulled back.

"Alicia what are you doing?" He asked her, confused.

"Please... Will... can you just..." She wasn't really sure what she wanted to say, what she should say, but right now she needed him, she needed to feel the warmth of another human being. She needed to feel loved.

"Alicia? What is it?" He whispered, and gently stroked her cheek.

"Please make love to me..." She whispered and leaned in to kiss him once more, this time he returned it, and his arms pulled her closer, molding her body against his. They kissed softly and gently, before he bend down and scooped her up into his arms, carrying her into her bedroom and gently placing her on the bed, following her down. He pulled back and looked into her eyes for a second.

"Are you sure?" He asked her, and she nodded, wrapping her arm around his neck, pulling him back in for another kiss.

* * *

_Let me know your thoughts...  
_


	6. Chapter 6

_Okay a warning it includes a sex scene but one that can be skipped.. _

_Also a huge thank you to Sabrina who beta-read this chapter for me, and helped me to make it perfect and come up with ideas for it!_

_I don't own the good wife..._

* * *

**Chapter 6**.

Peter was silent as he drove from Meredith's sisters house. They had just dropped off Annie and Jack. The car was silent now; on the trip from the restaurant it had been filled with at least Annie's and Jack's chatter on the back seat. But now that was gone and Meredith, well she seemed moody and was looking out of the window, like she had ever since they left the restaurant.

Truth be told the dinner had been anything but a success. He had a nagging feeling their meeting with Alicia had a lot more to do with that than he had hoped for. Meredith had at least seemed in a bad mood more or less ever since. She had snapped at the two kids more than once. Annoyed that they couldn't decide what they wanted. And annoyed that the place didn't really have anything she desired. She had complained they had gone to a pizza place instead of one of the usual places she liked. And he had tried to explain to her it was about them watching her sister's kids and needing a place kids would actually be able to find something to eat. She hadn't listened and had just answered it was never a problem when she was younger.

The kids, well he didn't know them very well, had only met them a few times before. And now here he had been where it was left up to him to look after them and entertain them all the way through dinner. Not that he were bad at it. Jack was actually a fun and bright boy, and he had discussed sports with him, the guy playing soccer. Annie had been worse, she was more or less what Peter would describe as a spoiled brat. And he wondered more than once if she was usually getting everything she wanted without ever being told no, or to say thank you. He was glad him and Alicia had similar views in the past on how to raise Zach and Grace, so Grace wasn't anything like Annie who had complained all dinner long that she was not just allowed to have ice-cream as she wasn't in the mood for pizza. Two complaining women in his company had made it a very very long dinner that he wouldn't look back as, in a happy light. He was also pretty sure it would be a long time before he agreed to watch those two kids again. After all it was Meredith's family and she was not the one helping out much.

"I don't want kids... I hope you had the ones you want because I don't want any..." Meredith harsh voice suddenly pulled him out of his musing. Okay, that was a sudden approach of a big, well huge subject like that. Not that he had plans of having kids with Meredith here and now, actually the thought had not even really crossed his mind. Years ago he had wished for another kid, he really had, but that was when he was still with Alicia. It was before everything happened, before he screwed up their life together and destroyed all what they had, and made it impossible ever to get the good time back for them. He shook his head.

Those were thoughts that made him sad, especially after the fight he had with Alicia only hours ago. He hadn't wanted to use her, what he said he had not meant it like that at all. He had just enjoyed spending the day with her discuss things through with her, hearing her thoughts and visions, she was always a brilliant sparring partner, and truly had felt amazing to have once more. He hadn't in any way meant it like she took it as, that he just wanted to be her friend and spent time with her because it helped his campaign. He sighed softly, he knew fully well the kiss and almost sex between them had been wrong, a disaster actually. And yet it had felt amazing. He was sorry because he knew what it would do to Meredith if she ever learned about it, he knew it would hurt her. But he was shocked that Alicia actually saw it like she was just another hooker or affair to him. Because it had been nothing like that. He wasn't sure exactly what it was, or actually he was, but that thought was scary well terrifying actually. And it was also one that spelled disaster in every possible way, one he couldn't allow to let out in the day-light. All he could really do was to nod at what Meredith had said, and be happy with what he had, after all he did love Meredith, but you could still love a lot of people in your life, but there would always be one you loved the most, and he had long ago accepted that one was for him not Meredith nor would it ever be her, yet they were happy most days. And that was all he wanted, to be happy.

"I am fine with that..." He told her, and reached over and took her hand and gave it a little squeeze, after all the dream picture of a third child for him, didn't have any of Meredith's features, instead she had a mane of big brown curls and big bright eyes, and a strange similarity to a picture he once long ago saw of Alicia as a little girl. Yes long ago before everything that had once been his life turned to dust he had hoped and wished for another child, one that looked like Alicia.

* * *

**M-rated part **

She was the one reaching for him and kissing him again and again, she didn't want to stop and think, all she wanted was to feel some sort of connection and Will was giving her that, she was sure she still had tears in her eyes, but it didn't matter because he was at least taking away some of the pain that had filled her heart when she heard her daughter begging to have a father.

Their lips met, again and again, and their mouths opened for their tongues to mate with each other. His hands left her cheeks. As one moved gently under her, searching for the zipper of her dress, the other moved to her hair, angling her head to get an better access to her mouth and stroking the soft locks gently.

She moaned in to the kiss. Her fingers in-twisted themselves in his hair, but at one point let go to run down his shoulders so she could slip his jacket off as well.

Then things quickened up.

She pulled at his tie trying to get it off, and she felt him pulling at her zipper in the back of her dress. She got the tie off and went after his shirt buttons. As she started to make quick work on them, she felt him lower the zipper of her dress. She felt her dress getting loosened and let go of his shirt, as they sat back up, so he could help her out of the dress. She took in how his eyes slid over her half naked frame in clear appreciation. She went back to work on his shirt buttons, she felt it was taking way too long. But before she managed to do something like ripping it open, his fingers were there to help her.

He smiled at her and pulled her back into another kiss. Together they managed to get the buttons open and the shirt finally off.

She shivered in pleasure as she felt his bare chest under her hands. Her arms wrapped around his neck again, so she could press completely up against him. They both sighed in pleasure at the feeling of her bra covered breasts pressed against his bare chest. She felt his hand find the claps of the bra and open it, and let go of him long enough to slip it off. The moment it was off, she pulled him back onto her. The feel of his hard chest pressed against her soft one was amazing and she felt her arousal heighten. She groaned in annoyance as he moved away again to get his pants and shoes off.

Before joining her back on the bed once more.

He covered her body with his own again making her let out a deep sigh.

She smiled into his kiss, as she felt one of his hands wander down her body and softly touch her between her legs, right where she wanted him the most. She moaned in pleasure as she felt his fingers lightly brush over her sensitive areas, through her panties. Panties which were already soaked through.

He broke the kiss, and instead let his lips wander down her neck, to the deep hallow where her neck met her shoulder, before going even lower until he reached her breasts, which he then started to pay homage to. His tongue teased her nipple, before he sucked it in to his mouth, something which made Alicia arch up against him, while at the same time pressing more against his hand between her legs. He spent some time pleasuring one breast before paying equal attention to her other.

She felt him starting to slip off her panties and raised her hips to make it easier for him, groaning in frustration as he pulled away from her, for the briefest time necessary to slip them completely off her.

He then returned on top of her, giving her another kiss on the lips, and she could finally spread her legs to accommodate him.

She felt him enter her, carefully, one inch at a time, till he was buried completely within her, making them both moan in pleasure. He waited a moment before moving, and just placed light kisses all over her face. She shifted her hips a little to create a better angle.

He gave her another long kiss on the lips before he started to move in long unhurried strokes, in and out. With each thrust, she clenched around him, and pulled him tighter against her. Their slow pace became harder and deeper when she wrapped her legs around him, to get him closer, and the new angle had him hitting her g-spot, making her cry out his name pleasure. Their thrusts grew quicker and harder. He slid deeper into her body, and kept hitting that spot with each new thrust. She felt so good around him and he knew he would not be able to last much longer, but he would not let himself go before her, so he slid his hand between them and brushed his fingers over her sex. This made Alicia fall over the edge, and she came apart in his arms calling out his name, and he finally let himself go.

**M-rated part over**

* * *

Will had collapsed on top of her in the aftermaths of their lovemaking, sharing one last kiss with her, before he moved aside and off her.

She gave him a gentle smile before she slipped out of the bed moving through the bedroom for her walk in closet. She still felt an overwhelming sadness; one she shouldn't be feeling post sex post a great dinner, and amazing night, because it had after all been great in everything but the end of the dinner and the unfortunate meeting. She found a silk nightgown she quickly pulled on, just as she heard him behind her.

"Alicia... what is going on? What was this... what was it about for you?" He asked her gently, and she gulped, swallowing the lump forming in her throat. God this could be so easy if she could accept it, if she could forget everything else she might or might not be feeling.

Will was a good man and he had said he loved her and he loved Cat and Cat adored him, and Cat her little girl wanted a dad, something that made Alicia's heart clench, and more or less broke it in thousand pieces. She felt a tear on her cheek, one she quickly brushed off. She couldn't be crying. She felt Will's hand on her shoulder, something that startled her as she hadn't heard him moving closer.

He carefully made her turn around and guided her into his warm embrace. She rested her head against his naked shoulder, breathing him in softly for a few minutes as he stroke her hair and back softly, caringly.

"What is wrong Alicia? Talk to me, please." He asked her again, but she shook her head, and for a few seconds she let herself enjoy his warm embrace before she pulled back and out of his arms.

She walked out of the closet and over to the balcony door, which she pulled open, walking out into the cold night air, shuddering lightly because of the change that met her there compared to the warmth of her bedroom.

She had hoped the cold would make her able to think better, help her clear her mind, something she clearly needed. She looked out at the ground below her, the park nearby, the trees, shadows reflected on the ground due to the moonlight shining above. She took a couple of deep breathes filling her lungs with the fresh air, but still shuddering because of the cold, and that was when Will wrapped a warm terry-cloths rope around her shoulders, helping get it on for real, before she tied the belt, and turned to him.

He looked at her worriedly. "Alicia what happened after I left? Are you okay?" He asked her softly and she looked away, not able to hold his gaze, in the fear that she would be in the risk of more tears spilling from her eyes. He gently placed a hand under her chin guiding her head back so he could look into her eyes.

"Was this about Cat? What she asked me tonight?" He asked her gently, and she nodded softly, unable to lie to him, at least not when he looked at her like this, so caring and worried.

"I love your daughter, you know that, right?" He continued to ask her and she nodded again, as she felt a tear slide down her cheek once more, one he gently whipped away with his thumb, stroking it lightly.

"I also love you Alicia, but you know that too, right?" She nodded softly again, she did know that. She wasn't sure in what form he still loved her, but she knew he did.

"I couldn't possibly love Cat anymore if she was my own Alicia... that is how much I love her... and you... what we tried to have... Alicia I love you... it might not be perfect... but we do work well together, and we are close, you two are my family. And we could make this work I know we could..." He told her gently, and softly she started to realize what he was offering, wanting, and she gulped. She knew he was right.

He was truly amazing with Cat, and she adored him. He was and had also been the only stable man in her daughter's life, not counting Owen and she knew they had a special bond. One that had been created right from the start. After all Will had been the first to ever see Cat after she was born. Before Alicia herself even saw Cat, Will had seen her.

Alicia smiled at the memory of how she had woken up still dozy from the anesthetic they had given her for the emergency c-section. Will and her mother had both been there, sighing in relief that she finally woke up. Veronica had taken a walk while Will gently sat down and explained all that had happened to her. Though none of it really mattered; all she had wanted was to know about Cat; if she was alright, if her baby was alright. And then Will had finally told her how she had a beautiful little girl, that she was alright, perfect in every way, only a little small and underweight because of the premature birth. But that she was otherwise the most beautiful baby he had ever seen. He had joked with how Veronica had told him more than once that she looked exactly like Alicia as a newborn. She had been worried and asked who was with her daughter, and Will had told her not to worry that she was never alone for long. Her mother had later told her that Will more or less spent all the time where he was not looking after Alicia staring at her daughter through the glass of the NIUC, and that he had been the first to see her after she was born. She shook her head knowing she needed to focus on the present though the memory was hard to get rid of.

She had a strange feeling where this was going and it scared her, because it was so tempting and would be so easy and she did love him in some way. And he was wonderful with Cat. And their sex was great.

What more could she really want?

"Please don't say what you are about to..." She whispered softly and glanced down, not able to keep eye-contact with him, as she could already read the question in his eyes.

"Why not Alicia? Please look at me... Why not?" He asked her gently as he made her look back up, and she swallowed the lump in her throat once more.

"Because I will want to say yes..." She whispered softly, so lightly it was almost impossible to hear.

"Alicia... I want you to say yes... I need to ask you this... and just please hear me out..." He stroke he cheek softly and she nodded slowly already knowing what would come. It reminded her of another time they had been standing at a balcony, that time the one of his apartment, that time she had also known what he would say and she had unlike this time been scared with excitement to finally hear those words from his lips. Words she had wanted to hear from him for so long.

* * *

_Alicia was not sure how long she had been standing there, when she felt a pair of arms being wrapped around her from behind, and someone placing a soft kiss on her shoulder before resting__ his__ head upon hers. She leaned back against his soft body which __was__ now wrapped around her._

_"I missed you." He mumbled into her hair. "The bed was cold without you..." Something that made her laugh softly._

"_I am sorry__,__ I woke up and couldn't sleep__," s__he admitted._

"_You miss Cat right? Not able to sleep away from her__?__" He asked her gently and Alicia nodded, because that was exactly what had made sleep impossible. Missing her daughter. _

"_We shouldn't have asked your mother to take her tonight. We could just have gone to your place. I wouldn't have minded." Will told her while placing soft kisses on her throat. _

"_Y__eah but it was our first real date so I didn't want us to worry about her or getting interrupted." Alicia admitted._

_"How many times do I have to tell you I do not mind, I like having her around and spending time with her." __H__e smiled against her skin, making Alicia laugh._

_"You know I love her right?" Will asked and Alicia nodded she did know that. "Just like I love her mother." Alicia stiffened, and turned around in his arms, so she could look up at him. She smiled at him, her stomach fil__l__ed with butterflies basking in nervous excitement. Of course she had known he loved her for a long time, but he had never before really told her so directly. _

"_You do?" She asked giving him a soft teasing smile. _

"_I do... I love you Alicia... I am in love with you and I am pretty sure I have been in love with you ever since Georgetown__," h__e told her as he looked into her eyes and lifted a hand to gently caress her cheek. _

"_I love you too..." She whispered softly, enjoying the bright smile that grew on his face, at the sound of her words. "And I love you even more for also loving my children... I know how difficult it must be..." She started, but he interrupted her. _

"_They __are__ a part of you. That is what makes it so very easy to love them. I can't say it was easy __when__ you first told me you were pregnant again and even less so __when__ I learned it was Peter's, and the whole story of keeping it secret. But it has never made it harder to love Cat or care about any of your kids. How could it Alicia... they all have a part of you in them." She smiled at him as she felt a tear slide down her cheek, one he caught and brushed away before he pulled her into a sweet soft kiss. He pulled back a moment after:_

"_I love you." he told her tenderly once more before he lowered his mouth to hers once more so he could kiss her again. His lips met hers and his tongue swept along her bottom-lip begging for entrance to her hot crave. One she willing__ly__ gave him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and her fingers starting to pull at his soft hair. His hands ran down her sides over the soft silk of her nightdress, down to the hem, and when up under it so he was touching her bare tights. She moaned into the kiss and pushed herself closer against him. She needed him badly again._

* * *

"Let me be Catherine's father, let me in... let me love you... we can make it Alicia..." His words pulled her back from her memory, before she could remember how he made love to her back then right on the balcony. This time his words made her tense up. And the nervous flutter in her stomach wasn't one of plain excitement, of course a part of her was excited, the same part of her that wanted to say yes to all that he offered, but another part a larger part was filled with fear. She could feel the tense feeling in her stomach grow by the second, knowing what would come, and she swallowed again.

"Alicia..." He smiled at her looking into her eyes. "Will you marry me?" And just like that, he had put it out there, and she felt the tears stain her cheeks, not knowing what to say or do.

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_Okay let me know your thoughts...  
_


	7. Chapter 7

**_A huge thank you to Sabrina for helping me with this chapter, i couldn't have done it without you 3._**

**_Also Moni I hope you enjoy this chapter ;-) _**

**_I don't own The Good Wife_**

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**Chapter 7**

She stared at him through eyes clouded by tears. Had he really just asked her that? _Said those words?_ She had of course as soon as he started talking guessed he might really go there, yet hearing them from his lips was something else.

She closed her eyes for a few seconds, trying to get control over the tears filling them, while taking a few deep breaths. She didn't know what to do, or what to say. A huge part of her was tempted to pull away and run away as fast as she could. Leave this moment so she wouldn't have to answer, she wouldn't be forced to make a choice.

She knew he had taken them from zero to here, partly because of Cat. After all, she had in the past been careful regarding their relationship, when it was on and off because of how confusing it was for Cat.

She thought it was easier for her little girl to know he would always be a part of her life no matter what their relationship was, if their relationship was not a factor at all because it didn't exist. That meant Cat knew he was there no matter what and he was not leaving her just because he wasn't living or seeing Alicia anymore.

She knew he was now partly offering her everything at once because he wanted to be all in and had always wanted so. He also knew that to happen now, it would mean everything because she couldn't offer her daughter anything less than that. Her daughter that longed for a family like everyone else.

She began to smile at the thought through her tears. Her daughter had seen what she had not even seen; that she had created a family for Cat even without intending it. Will had been there for more or less every big event in her daughter's life. And when she had thought she was alone in this, he had stepped up and been there. Even when all they were was friends, he had been there, watching Cat when she was ill if her mother couldn't do it and she had a court meeting. Joining them for Cat's first day in kindergarten. He had even gone with her to the meetings with daycare places and preschools when Alicia was still looking into which one was the best fit for Cat. And Will was actually the one who found her the British School of Chicago and thought their programs sounded promising. Even though it was a bit further away from Alicia's new place than some of the other schools she has been looking into. He had also been the one touring houses and apartments with Alicia and Cat, faithfully every Saturday when she was looking into moving. And if she needed to go through the week to see a place he had taken over her work, and if her mother couldn't look after Cat, he had done that too.

Not to mention he was the one that had first come up with the idea that helped her keeping her pregnancy a secret at work when she started to show and couldn't hide it anymore. He had come up with the idea of them getting a doctor that already recommended a lower work load for her because her blood-pressure was getting too high in connection to the pregnancy, to declare her stressed and in need of leave because of it. And it had worked, amazingly well, so she had been given 6 months off for stress and depression. No one had wondered about it that much, after all most knew the divorce had been a long one though friendly and she had been working all she could at the time of it and after, pulling longer hours than ever, and harder cases. So it was no shock that it had taken its toll on her. No one had ever found out that the reason why she had suddenly started to look more tired than ever was because she was five months pregnant when she went on leave.

The day she had given birth premature, Will had been there too, taking her to the hospital and the months after with the newborn Cat that first was in the NICU and later at home he had helped her too in every possible way he could.

He had been playing the roll role of her husband and Cat's father already for years now. How could it possibly be a bad thing to say yes to what he was offering?

Cat deserved a father, she needed a dad. And blood didn't make one a parent. One time long ago she had told Will that "Poetry is easy, parent-teacher conferences are hard," and wasn't that what she was faced with once again? Will had never missed one single parent-teacher meeting of any kind, or dance recital of Cat's and he would never do so in the future either. He might not be her dad in blood and DNA but emotionally he was and he had been that since the day she was born.

And she? What about her? He was a good man. A wonderful man truly. For long she had been pining for him imaging how it would be, how it could be? And though it was nothing like the reality and they had not bonded over many things it was not just a bad thing, and now the last few years when they were no longer together they had seemed closer than ever. Why would that change back if they decided to be together again? Why would any of that go away? It wouldn't... she knew that. They would be great together. And she did love him. He did have a piece of her heart, something he always had since the first day she met him back at Georgetown.

Of course she was scared, actually she was terrified. After all, how could she not be? After all, last time someone, Peter said something similar to her, - well, asked something smiler of her - they had been over for good two weeks later. So of course she was scared to death, right now.

* * *

_She looked at him and smiled, sometimes you had to take a chance. Suddenly she knew that this, right here, was what she wanted, what was best for her and her daughter, you couldn't built a life on a dream, and she had always known that. And now she had once wanted a plan from Will, a plan on how to make it work, and this was what he was giving her. She nodded her head slowly, smiling a little more at him. She saw how the nervous, scared look in his eyes slowly replaced with hope and love. _

"_Yes... yes I will..." She whispered softly, suddenly smiling wide, and happy. The smile taking over his face was worth it all. The light in his eyes was one of happiness, and she knew it was the right answer, even though she was nervous and scared, and a part of her wanted to say no too, because Peter still had a part of her heart too. But Will's smile made her sure it could be right and it could be good, and it was all that she wanted._

"_Yes..." She whispered again, and the next moment his arms were around her, pulling her into his chest. They hugged each other close, and she lifted her face to meet his. His lips found hers in a tender kiss. She smiled into it, and kissed him back. Letting her arms slid up to his neck pulling him in closer. He kissed her deeper, with more passion. She could feel wetness on his cheeks mixing with the tears on her own, and making her realize she was not the only one crying in this moment. He was too. She pulled back and caressed his cheek before he pulled her back into a tight embrace, lifting her a little of the ground making her laugh because of his almost childish excitement. He kissed her again silencing her laughter with his lips as he placed her back on the ground. He slid one of his hands up to her face so he could cradle her neck softly. The kiss was soft, yet passionate. He ran his tongue across her bottom lip, asking for entrance, something she gladly gave him. Her hands were playing with the hair at the nap of his neck, sliding though it gently. He had wrapped his other arm tightly around her waist and pulled her more into his body. They finally broke apart when they were out of breath, and she rested her forehead against his bare shoulder enjoying his warmth. She placed a soft kiss against his bare skin, enjoying how he shuddered lightly against her. She pressed tighter into him, wanting to crawl into him. He kissed her hair softly, continuing in a soft trail of kisses down her neck, nibbling at the soft skin of her neck making her giggle a little. It was like now that he knew she would be his completely, he couldn't or wouldn't want to stop touching her. He suddenly pulled back from her and she looked at him confused._

"_Alicia... you mean it right? You are not gonna end it tomorrow or something or run in a few days or weeks, are you?" He asked looking at her seriously, and she shook her head._

"_No, I won't run. I do mean it..." She smiled at him and placed her hands on his cheeks and pulled him down towards her, pressing her lips against his. _

"_I love you..." He whispered softly against her lips making her smile, how could this ever be wrong? _

"_I love you too..." She whispered back, making his lips curl into a smile. She sealed her words by closing the breath of air between them in another tender kiss._

* * *

"_Mommy, mommy you look like a princess." Cat's told Alicia, excitedly, while she admired her with her big bright eyes. Eyes that were shining in happiness. Alicia smiled at her daughter, while thinking back to the morning they had told Cat they were getting married and Will would be her father. And the happiness Cat had showed because of those news, warming Alicia and confirming her choice. Alicia looked at herself in the mirror in front of her. She hadn't wanted a big wedding, actually she would have preferred the court house, if it was up to her, but her daughter's big disappointed eyes that she wouldn't get to be a flower girl had convinced her otherwise. They still hadn't gone for a big event, but close family had been invited. And Alicia was now wearing a wedding dress, that according to her daughter made her look like a princess. She had again originally not wanted one but Cat with the help of Grace had convinced her. And she truthfully loved the one they had settled on. It was relative simple and yet elegant, covered in lace, and a bouquet made out of small pearls at the hip. The closing in the back was a thin line of small buttons, - a detail she personally loved -. Her fingers played a little with the lace as she looked at the image in the mirror. She truly was happy right now, and so was her daughter. There was a knock on the door._

"_Mom are you ready?" Zach called from the other side._

"_Yes come on in." She answered, and Zach entered._

"_Zachy..." Cat shouted in excitement running to her brother's side expecting him to pick her up, and he did happily so._

"_Hey you... or is it a little princess." He told her tickling her sides, making Cat giggle and squirm in his arms. A picture that made Alicia smile, as she pushed a curl that had fallen forward behind her ear. Both Zach and Grace had been happy for her when she told them the news, neither had showed big surprise but they had still been happy. _

"_No... mommy is the princess." Cat laughed, and Zach looked over at her. _

"_Yeah she looks like one too... Mom you look amazing..." He smiled at her and Alicia nodded while blushing lightly. _

"_Thank you Zach... umm is it time?" She asked him, suddenly feeling her stomach flutter in nervous excitement. _

"_Yeah it is... well if you are ready..." He asked her with a smile._

"_Mommy is ready to marry Daddy right mommy?" Cat asked with a big smile on her face, and Alicia smiled back and nodded, yeah she was ready. _

_Zach carried Cat while she followed them outside, where she was met by Grace, holding the flowers. Zach placed Cat down on the ground, and she ran over to her sister, who gently fixed the bow and flowers in Cat's hair, that had fallen down a little and handed her the little basket with the rose petals in the same color of red as Grace's and Cat's dresses both had in them. Grace's was completely that red color with a scarf around the waist in another red. And Cat's was white but the back and edge of the neck line was in red, along with the thin straps. _

_Grace then handed Alicia her own bouquet, a mix of green leaves and dark red and white roses. Alicia quickly pulled Grace close and into a hug, kissing her daughter's cheek._

"_You look amazing..." She told Grace, that pulled back and returned Alicia's smile doing so._

"_You do too mom." Alicia nodded. She was really relieved that both of her older children had accepted and supported this the way they did. _

"_Are you ready mom?" Zach asked and offered her his arm, which Alicia accepted._

"_I am..." She answered, making Cat laugh excited._

"_Yeah we are getting married!" Cat exclaimed, making the other three laugh, much to Cat's confusion, but at the same time the music started to play and Grace opened the doors to outside pushing Cat a little so she started to happily walk down the aisle, throwing the petals before setting into a sprint when she saw Will at the end smiling at her, running all her small legs could carry her up to him, expecting him to catch her. Something he of course did, bending down and catching the little white and red ball of satin running all she could into his arms, picking her up gladly, making her laugh and giggle. A sight that made Alicia smile and warmed her heart. He loved her so much, and her daughter adored him. _

_Grace followed Cat down the aisle before the music changed and Zach guided Alicia herself down to Will. But Alicia didn't notice the beautiful surroundings of the early fall. She didn't see the reddish and brownish colors of the trees that made the house of their union. All she was focused on was Will, and his smile and her daughter in his arms. _

_As they reached Will, Zach let go of her arm and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and Judge Lessner bid them welcome. She smiled up at Will who still held Cat in his arms. Through it all, she smiled at the two. He had to put down Cat as they were to say their vows, like she handed her bouquet to Grace. He carefully took her hands in his stroking her palms gently, as he began. _

_They had written their own to make it more personal and intimate. _

"_When was it we fell in love? I am not sure... because the truth is I can't picture a time I wasn't in love with you, ever since I first met you. I always knew you were the one for me. The one that could look into my eyes and see me for who I am. You are my partner and my best friend above all others. It's a miracle to find the kind of peace and happiness that you've given me. And here with our families today I plead myself to you." He smiled at her gently, squeezing her hand and she blinked a few times quickly to get rid of the tears in her eyes, and she was relieved to see that his eyes were misty too. _

"_I look at you and I see my best friend. Your energy and passion inspire me in ways I never thought possible. I didn't know what love was until I met and loved you. You were my first love and today I promise you will also be my last. You are like the sun in my life, brightening the rainy days. When I was down you were always there to lift me up and kiss away the tears and pain in my heart. And I am thankful for that every day like I am for you loving me unconditionally, no matter what. You give me purpose when I feel I have none. Without you my heart would be broken, and my life incomplete, you are my beginning and my end. And here in front of our families I promise that it will always be that way from this point forward," she whispered softly, as she felt a tear run down her cheek, he squeezed her hand once more, making her smile further as she looked at him through her misty eyes, seeing the tenderness and love in his, made her heart beat faster. He took the ring Zach him, held it up._

"_With this ring I plead myself to you, and join my life with yours forever more. I promise to love, cherish and adore you as long as we both shall live." He slid it carefully down on her finger beside the ring he had brought her the day after she agreed to marry him, and gently lifted her hand and placed a kiss upon it._

_She took the other ring from Zach's hand, and carefully slid it onto Will's finger while repeating the same words._

_As Judge Lessner pronounced them husband and wife, Will cupped her face and kissed her gently before the judge even managed to say that he was now allowed to kiss his bride. Cat was laughing and clapping her hands happily, and as he pulled away, she was back at them, wanting to be lifted back up which Will did once more. _

_Alicia smiled as she looked at them. She truly was happy, and all was perfect. The thought long away in the back of her mind that she was rubbing her daughter of her other father and that she was rubbing Peter of his daughter was only a faraway echo that didn't break through the happiness she felt right here. This could be right, she knew that completely._

* * *

_He pulled her even closer against him and she rested her head against his shoulder, as they softly swayed together in their first dance as husband and wife. She closed her eyes trusting him to guide her where needed.. The moment was perfect, everything she could wish for it to be, and had wished for it to be. He placed a soft kiss on her hair, making her sigh softly in happiness. _

"_Are you alright?" He whispered softy, and she nodded softly. How could she not be alright here, in this moment? After all, everything was perfect, right then and there. _

"_Alicia I love you, you know that right? I would want to marry you even without Cat..." He told her gently, and she nodded, she did know that. It might be furthered by Cat, and her needs but she did know he loved her and always had. _

"_I love you too," she whispered softly, into the warm skin of his neck as she curled in to him even closer, letting her lips brush his neck, an action that made him shudder a little._

"_Alicia…" He hissed, his voice tense, and laced with passion now. It made her feel giddy that she could get such a response from him, this easily._

"_Yes?" she answered in a sing song whisper, teasing him, though she knew very well what he meant._

"_We have hours left for this..." He told her softly, his lips finding her ear, brushing it, making her the one to shudder and tense now. "Not so teasing now?" he whispered into her ear and she shook her head softly. He was right, he could get to her just as easily. And right now she was close to telling him they should skip the party so he could take her home and make love to her all night._

"_I want to actually taste the cake before we leave, plus I know you have a thing for chocolate." He joked with her making her laugh lightly, but he was right it would be a mistake not to enjoy the chocolate cake she settled on in the end. _

"_Fine, no more teasing..." She whispered back. _

"_Good, Mrs. Gardner. Now play nice and I will feed you, your cake in a little while." He joked, and she giggled a little, as she felt a strange nervous but excited flutter in her belly. It was the first time he called her that, and the name did sound strange in her ears. Not in a bad way but it was different. She had gone back to Cavanaugh after the divorce when she learned she was pregnant, and Cat had that name and her own mothers, to keep her hidden from the press, and make no one wonder about her parentage. And now she suddenly had another last name once more. It felt strange and confusing, mixed with exciting. _

_She pulled back so she could look at him, his eyes were loving and tender, with a hint of merriment in them, glimmering, shining with his happiness, and love for her, making her feel warm all over, like on a warm summer day with the sun shining at her, warming her skin. _

"_I love you..." She whispered again, because it was the truth, she did love him. He smiled at her and pulled her in close so he could kiss her gently on the lips. His lips felt like velvet against hers, making her sigh lightly. It was everything it should be this moment in time. It was perfect in every possible way, it was like a dream._

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**_Still i love reviews and they do make me write faster and more;-) hahaha they honestly do, because it lets me know you want it... so yeah even if you want to kill me now please review...  
_**

**_AW fans that reads this, I added Will as a charcter to the story because he is central for it and will continue to be so through the rest of it too, and it certainly invovles him far more than i thought it would then i started writing..._**

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**_review replies to anon/guests:_**

**_Emily: thank you for reading and reviewing... umm i can promise you for sure there will be no such thing happening. First of all i am having an AW fan as my beta, so she would never ever let me do it! Second I am crule sometimes but in this story i am doing my best to paint Will well and good and kind, so i would never do that to him in the story._**

**_Emilie: thank you for reading and reviewing... sorry for the wait on the new chapter, hope the sooner posting of this chapter helps ;-) and yes Will was amazing in the last chapter. He loves Cat a lot. _**

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**_Also I would like to mention i have made a tumblr account for this fic, where i will post pictures of clothes, and stuff, and notices of then i have updated this fic. it is not complete yet but i hope it will be soon. I will link to it in my profile. _**

_**And last to your all remember the story is categorized as an angst story!**  
_


	8. Chapter 8

_Okay i promised it wouldn't be long so here we go chapter 8._

_Also to all of you who loved chapter 7 you should thank a friend of mine for that one... if not for her that chapter wouldn't have happened. _

_Don't own The Good Wife, or Bones or The Amber Spyglass from where I have borrowed some lines and ideas... _

_And I don't own the songs No Way Out- by Phill Collins or the song We Got Tonight! _

_A gigantic huge thank you to my wonderful beta and friend Sabrina for her help and work on this one! I love you so much for helping me out. Also thank you to my friend kahu22 for her encouragement in my writing! _

* * *

**Chapter 8**

He couldn't sleep. He had been tossing and turning for hours by now. No position made sleep come any easier. For some reason every time he closed his eyes, Alicia showed up. Alicia with wetness gathering in her eyes, at the end of their fight. Alicia looking drained and exhausted. Both things he knew he played a significant role in making her feel. How could he really have been as stupid as he had, was something he kept asking himself. Making Alicia feel like she was the other woman. He thought he had let the thoughts go while in the car, but letting them go were far easier said than done. Instead they kept popping in and out of his mind, keeping sleep away. That mixed with thoughts of kissing Alicia and how sweet she still tasted, how amazing she still felt under his hands. Thoughts of how good it had felt holding her close while slowly dancing with her, and the weird emotion he had read for a few seconds in her eyes. Thoughts of the time spent with her, mixed with memories of their past. All were playing in and out of his mind like pictures of another reality, than the life he was living with the blond haired woman sleeping by his side. He sighed, tired and confused. What did that mean?

He finally got up from the bed, moving through the bedroom over to a door leading to a balcony outside. He opened it and walked out. The pale moonlight was making everything cast of long shadows. He shook his head, it was beautiful but even the nature's beauty couldn't keep his thoughts from bringing forward pictures of Alicia. Pictures such as the many times he had watched her sleep peacefully, the moonlight bathing her soft skin in its light. He sighed, wondering why he hadn't spent more time showing her how amazing she was and how much she meant to him rather than working so much and forgetting her more and more, until he was so caught up in everything that Kalinda became a thrilling option, well helping her out and then that had led to sex, and the avalanche had started. One that led him to hotel-rooms and Amber, even though he had all he could ever want if he had just not gotten so blinded by lust and power.

She had deserved better, and she still did. She deserved so much more than feeling like he was using her and her mind, and turning her into the other woman. It wasn't right. And he felt bad for the guilt he knew would be troubling her now. Guilt over what they had done, guilt that shouldn't be there, it shouldn't be there dragging her down and making her look as tired and exhausted and lost as she had tonight. He was the one that should feel guilty not her. He hated that he once more was the reason she looked years older due to fatigue and exhaustion caused by him.

He felt a pair of slender arms slip around him; arms that he knew all too well, arms that had been a comfort and love for the last couple of years but now just felt like weights dragging him down. He had only hours before been thinking of how he loved this woman and, to a degree, he did. But a huge part in loving her came from that she was the first to try and heal his broken heart after he had let Alicia go. Back then he had thought all chances with Alicia were over, they were divorced and she was with Will and years had passed, he had met Meredith and she was fun and quick and intelligent, and looked absolutely nothing like Alicia. She had healed his broken heart. You could love a lot of people in your life even though there was one you loved the most, and Meredith was one of those people for him, but he realized now in this moment it was not enough and it was not fair to her. He was with her but he kept longing for someone else. He had years ago been the person in such a relationship, laying in bed with Alicia by his side knowing she dreamt of Will, and that she was longing for Will. Those months had been terrible and now he was the one doing that to Meredith and that was not fair to her or to anyone really. He let out a deep sigh. And moved her arms off him as he turned to face her. She looked at him confused and worried and a bit hurt. Not that he could blame her.

"We need to talk..." he told her gently taking her hands. He could see the wheels starting to spin in her head already wondering what he would tell her, and when he saw her eyes widen he knew she had figured out what he would say.

"You are not doing this..." She hissed at him pulling away, and he saw her worry turning into fury.

"Meredith..." he started to say hoping to calm her down.

"No you don't get a say... you can't be doing this... tomorrow is my dad's big birthday party and you decide to end things between us now... Peter you can't be doing this for real... why... I love you I would give up everything for you, I would make a perfect first lady... is this the kids thing? Just because I don't want to get stuck with some brats for 18 years like your oh so precious Alicia..." She shouted at him, and Peter was pretty sure they would soon have woken up the whole house.

"Meredith please calm down... you are waking up everyone..." He whispered gently, though a part of him was getting pissed too because of her comments about Alicia.

"To hell... it is because of her isn't it? Your little precious ex-wife... oh I should have seen it coming... after seeing you all over her last weekend. And after all, nothing I have ever done is good enough compared to her? She gave up her career for you, she stood by you when you fucked hookers... She was oh so sweet and good and such a good mother, so intelligent and always knew how to carry herself. Oh yes I heard the whole thing from that jerk of Eli Gold, who kept mumbling that if I was just half the woman she was you would do better in the polls and the election be a sure thing. And even your mother had the nerve to compare me to her and mention no matter how little she liked that slut... she was probably a better match for you..." She hissed at him, tears in her eyes, but Peter didn't see them all he heard was her hard words at Alicia, and he walked in closer to her, his calm gone, turned into fury of his own.

"Don't you ever call her that again... I thought you were different and kind, but I now see how you truly are... and you know what? Eli and my mother were both right... if only you were half the woman she is..." He told her in a calm cold voice, but laced with the anger he was feeling.

"I at least didn't fuck my boss or make out with him in a car on your big night like your ex-wife did..." She hissed back.

"Don't you ever mention Alicia again... what she did was nothing compared to what I put her through. God I can't believe she wasted her time feeling guilty... because she felt bad for kissing me yesterday... God if she felt sorry for you..." He shook his head in frustration.

"You did what?" The next second her palm had connected with his check. "Go to your slut of an ex-wife see if she wants anything to do with you... and don't you ever show your face here again, not even when she tells you no!" She hissed at him and Peter nodded.

"You can have my things sent to Springfield, I will have all your stuff moved out and sent to you..." he told her, as he started to get dressed.

"Fine... I hope you lose the election, you deserve it... and I hope Eli and you realize how much you depended on the votes you got because of me... you will after all have no republican help in support any more thanks to my dad," she told him, as she stood there waiting for him to finish getting dressed. Peter heard what she said and he honestly couldn't care less. He wanted nothing to do with her, how could he had been so blind and waste years on her, years he should have spent trying to be Alicia's friend because one hour of friendship with Alicia was so good it could not even be compared to his years with Meredith.

* * *

_And she? What about her? He was a good man. A wonderful man truly. For long she had been pining for him imaging how it would be, how it could be? And though it was nothing like the reality and they had not bonded over many things. It was not just a bad either, and now the last few years when they were no longer together they had seemed closer than ever. Why would that change back if they decided to be together again? Why would any of that go away? It wouldn't... she knew that. They would be great together. And she did love him. He did have a piece of her heart, something he always had since the first day she met him back at Georgetown._

_Of course she was scared, actually she was terrified. After all, how could she not be? After all, last time someone, Peter, said something similar to her, - well, asked something similar to her - they had been over for good two weeks later. So of course she was scared to death, right now._

* * *

Yes she could see how it would all play out, and the happiness that would follow for them both and not the least Cat.

The daydream of how she would say yes and them kissing and later on their wedding was almost as lively a fantasy instead the reality she was standing in, it was amazing and perfect. But at the same time all the dark sides of saying yes were starting to play in.

Images of them attending Zach's or Grace wedding or similar events together, after all there would be no chance Cat wouldn't attend those and that would mean Peter seeing her, and speculating, and questioning about her, about why Alicia had kept her a secret. He was not dumb he would soon know, soon figure it all out.

She suddenly wasn't sure how she had thought it possible to always keep her hidden from him. And if he first learned about her by a mistake it would all be rolling, the fighting, the accusations, the anger, the hurt and maybe god forbid a custody fight. And it wasn't just that, she was rubbing Peter of his daughter: A little girl he would love wholeheartedly, and who would love him back if she knew him.

And to be fair even with all Peter had ever put her through he had always been a wonderful father to Zach and Grace, and now she was making sure Cat would never see that. Will was an amazing dad to her little girl, but what she was doing? She could suddenly see how it wasn't right, how she had created a mess without any end in sight.

She felt the tears run down her cheeks faster and the nervous look in his eyes was too much, she couldn't keep looking into his eyes, and see that scared but loving and tender look, so she turned away. She didn't need to look at him to know he had stiffened up, and he was already concluding that her answer would not be the happy positive one she had allowed herself to dream of giving him only a few moments before.

She sighed, because he was right though. If she said yes right now, it would end like with Peter 6 years ago. It would be happy in the moment and along the way it would be wrong. She shouldn't be saying yes when she was conflicted over her answer, it wouldn't make for lasting happiness in the future. Why couldn't it be easy? Why was she not allowed that? She shuddered lightly, crossing her arms, hugging herself. She loved and had always loved two men, she knew that now, they both had her heart, or at least pieces of it.

She signed as she thought back to earlier that night at the restaurant, Will had started to move on, letting go of his feelings for her, and yet here he was proposing marriage and a lifetime shared, even when he had finally started to see a possible future and life with another woman.

She might seem just as hopeless Alicia herself, but he saw it. How could she ever accept his proposal rubbing him of a chance of full happiness with someone who would possibly not be the mess she was, stuck between two men always.

A woman that would possibly love him unconditionally some day. He deserved that, rather than she who was in some way pining away over her ex-husband. Her ex that was in many ways just as much an impossible dream as the perfect wedding she had just seen herself having with Will.

"I love you Alicia... it's always been just you..." He whispered behind her, his voice broken, and she felt it rip into her chest and pull her heart from her body. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now, blinding her vision. She knew he was right and that was exactly why she couldn't allow herself to accept it. It wouldn't be fair to him, to Cat, to Peter, or to herself. It would be doomed before it began because she couldn't give him her own heart back like that. It hadn't always just been him, it wasn't just him in this moment, no matter how much she wished it was. There was no easy way out.

_There's no way out of this dark place  
No hope, no future  
I know I can't be free  
But I can't see another way  
I can't face another day _

"I know..." She whispered softly, her voice thick from her tears, and she nodded her head underlining her words. Why wasn't she allowed something simple? Why couldn't she just forget all about Peter and be happy with Will and love him back completely?

She knew now they could work and it would make her happy. And yet here she was about to break his heart and her own in the same process. All because some higher power had decided to curse her so she would always love two men. They were both a part of her and equally shared her heart.

She wished he had told her this a week ago, before she saw Peter again and realized what she now knew. If he had, she would have said yes and maybe it would have been as easy as her dream, as happy as that one, it would have worked! Yet their timing was once more off, because now she knew that they both had her heart and that was why she couldn't accept, it would end hurting him even more because no matter if she wanted to or not she still loved Peter too.

Will deserved one that loved him, and him alone, with everything she was and had. And that was sadly not Alicia. She sighed again and slowly turned back around facing him. It felt like someone had stabbed her looking at his face now, it was ashen white.

She closed her eyes for a few seconds braving herself for what she needed to say, because she still needed to tell him the words, no matter how painful it was.

"I can't..." She whispered softly.

Minutes passed where he didn't say anything, just stared at her, like she had just stabbed him so he was bleeding to death, and in some way she probably had.

"Please say something... anything..." She begged him softly, unable to stand the silence freezing the air between them.

"Why? Alicia... please just consider it... take some days... please..." He was begging her now, pleading with her in a voice so soft and broken with pain and heartache, making it harder and harder not to give in, because it would heal them both even if only for a shorter time.

"Because it wouldn't be fair..." She whispered softly, her voice so low she feared he might not hear the words and she would be forced to repeat them. She looked down and away not able to stand looking into his hollowed eyes anymore.

"To who? Alicia don't you love me... even just a little bit..." he asked, his voice scared now, terrified really.

"I do... that is why I can't do it to you," she whispered as she looked back up, biting her lip to keep it from trembling.

"Then why... " He begged her softly, his hand seeking hers, and taking them into his, squeezing them as he was trying to hold onto her.

"I am sorry Will. I am so sorry... you thought you were protecting me... but you are the one that needs protecting," she whispered again, almost unable to speak anymore, and he stared at her like he didn't understand her words. Tears streaming down his face.

"Protecting? From what Alicia..." He whispered confused and hurt.

"From me... I don't have your kind of open heart..." Her voice was filed with desperation now begging him to understand. "I am not free like you... I can't give you my hole heart like that... I am rubbing him of his daughter and someday he will find out and she will find out, and how can I do that to any of them? It wouldn't be fair, not to him, not to Cat, and especially not to you," she continued, tears running freely now down her pale cheeks.

"Alicia... please give me a chance. Just - just give it a chance, that's all I'm asking! I could make you happy. I love your daughter, I could make you both happy, please... Alicia..!" He begged her.

"I know you could Will... please understand... the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome, we keep doing this again and again...over and over... " She spoke softly as she pulled one of her hands out of his and reached it up to cup his cheek and caress it.

"Well, then let's go for a different outcome, here! All right, let's just hear me out, right? You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for thirty or forty or fifty years, all right? It's always the guy who says, 'I knew.' I knew, right from the beginning, right from the moment I saw you in your white summer dress with small pink flowers on at that party. I knew."

Tears glittering in his eyes, and his voice intense and begging.

"I know Will I know... but it would be the same over again... you would give me your whole heart and I can't give your mine fully back... please...Will tonight at dinner! You were happy! You were finally able to see yourself in love with someone else. Someone who might someday be able to give herself fully to you, one who would love you and only you, how could I take that chance away from you? I know no one that deserves it more than you. You deserve one that loves _you_ and _just_ _you... _and that Will... That... is not me," she whispered back softly.

"But Alicia she is not you... no one else compares to you..." He said tenderly in a low voice that made her feel like she had been stabbed.

"Please don't look so sad..." She begged him as she lifted his other hand to her own face to place a kiss on the palm of it.

"It's okay... I've should... I should go..." he whispered, softly pulling his hand away and breaking away from her, once more breaking her heart a little, but in some way it was only fair, she guessed, since she might very well just have broken his more than anything she had put him through in the past.

"I am sorry I asked that of you Alicia... I thought... I am sorry I misunderstood, " he told her already turning away from her, and she looked away for a moment unable to stand watching him leave. Because he hadn't misunderstood anything, he had been right, she did need him and want him, a part of her did and would always want and need him like that, it was just not enough, not anymore, not enough to build a life, a marriage on. But suddenly the thought of him leaving without ever telling him just how much she cared about him and wanted him was unbearable.

"You didn't... please... know that..." She whispered looking over at his back as she took in how he stiffened up, only to turn back around to face her.

"Alicia please, I am begging you, don't say something like that if you don't mean it... please don't make this harder..." He whispered, looking into her eyes, in a way that made her feel like he was looking into her very soul.

"I am not... but I can't stand the thought of you leaving thinking I don't care about you... because I do. Will you were my first love, and you will always have a part of my heart. _Always!_" she whispered as she took a few steps in his direction, closing the distance between them slowly, as she took in the pain and sadness on his face.

"Alicia... please don't say stuff like that..." He begged her softly, as she reached her hand up to his cheek once more, covering it. He grabbed it in his, holding it.

"I need to... please I can't let you leave thinking that I don't care, that I don't share your feelings. Because I do... Will I _know_ we could be happy, you could make me happy. It is not that. It is... that it is... just too... too... complicated. It's too much..." She whispered softly. She wasn't sure how she could ever start to really explain to anyone let alone him how she felt, after all how could anyone understand you loving two men at once.

Will and her, they had been done for years as romantic partners and yet they had still be work partners, friends, confidants, each others family, and now once more, they had shared one moment, one night of passion spent together.

Maybe one that was stirred out of loneliness on her part, but it had still brought back every feeling she had ever had for him too, making things harder for her, just like with Peter at the gala, dancing in his arms had done.

Oh the irony, a little more than a week she had been alone and happy. And now here she was, once more loving the two men always in her life, most likely because it had never been gone but always been there under the surface, waiting to be put on fire once again, if you just blew to it a little.

How could she explain to him that it wasn't just feelings for him that had been rekindled here on now, it was also feelings for Peter. How could she explain something she didn't even understand herself. All she knew was she couldn't have him thinking she didn't care about him, that she had just used him, because he couldn't be further from the truth. For years he had been living in that faith, and she couldn't do that to him again. It might make her even more selfish, but she hoped it didn't.

If you love someone you set them free. That was the saying and that was what she was doing.

He looked at her and shook his head, and for a few seconds hesitated before pulling her close against him. Hugging her tight against his bare chest. She slipped her arms around his waist as she buried her face into his shoulder. He hugged her tightly against him, and it felt like he was trying to pull her so much into his body they would be one. Not that she minded. In that moment with the tears streaming down her face, she wished for just that. He ran his hands up and down her back caressing her. Stroking it softly, making her sigh and cry even harder.

_I know it's late  
I know you're weary_

"Stay tonight..." She mumbled against his bare skin, making him shudder.

"Alicia..." he whispered, and she pulled back to look up at him, her eyes pleading with him to say yes. She couldn't give him the rest of her life but she could give him tonight, she wanted to give him tonight. And it was probably selfish that she wanted to do that. That she was begging him to stay the night, but she couldn't let him go, not like this. It was too painful, she wanted to be in his arms, share the warmth of his embrace one last time. His eyes were weary, and sorrow-filled.

_I know your plans  
Don't include me  
Still here we are  
Both of us lonely  
Longing for shelter  
From all that we see  
_

She was begging him with her eyes, to agree, to stay for the night. Her plans might not be able to include what he wanted, what he wished for, but she wasn't ready to let him leave for the night. They were both heartbroken in this moment, was it so wrong that for night they could still have each other? Heal a piece of their broken hearts together. One last goodbye, didn't they deserve that? He nodded slowly, and the moment he did that she leaned herself back against his chest, burying her face into his warm neck once more.

_Why should we worry  
No one will care girl  
Look at the stars now  
So far away_

He was swaying with her softly from side to side, standing there on her balcony. And she sighed softly as she realized it. It like they were dancing to a song in the back of their heads. It reminded her of her fantasy, the one that had ended in a dance of them as husband and wife, filled with laughter and joy of the new beginning of their shared life together. This one was instead filled with sorrow, and loss, a last goodbye, to a past and a future shared.

_We've got tonight  
Who needs tomorrow  
We've got tonight, babe  
Why don't you stay _

But they had this night. One last night, that could no one or nothing deny them. They needed it, they deserved it. That she was sure of. She couldn't have it over quite yet. There was time before the dawn broke, hours really. Hours that could be theirs.

_Deep in my soul  
I've been so lonely  
All of my hopes fading away  
I've longed for love  
Like everyone else does  
I know I'll keep searching after today_

She had been lonely ever since ending things with him. Yes she was happy, or she had been. And she had been doing great. But she had still missed someone at night holding her, and kissing her face as the last thing before sleep took her, and woke her up again each morning with a soft kiss. Still sharing a deep friendship they still been able to share late night's calls and talks in the office about their day. But she had still missed those brief private sweet moments shared with a lover.

_We've got tonight  
Who needs tomorrow_

She wasn't sure who of them had moved first but she did know that she lifted her face from the crook of his neck. The moment their eyes met, his lips covered hers, stealing her breath. The kiss was passionate, and filled with longing and desire. She could taste a hint of salt on his lips probably from his tears or maybe it was her own, she was no longer sure on that one.

His fingers traded carefully through her hair, stroking her scalp, tilting her head up to better access to her hot craven. They held on to each other tightly, he was crouching her against his hard chest as minutes seemed to pass. The moonlight surrounding them in its pale silvery light. It seemed like a mix between a dream and reality. Like the state you are in early morning right before waking up, when you are not really ready to let go of the world, sleep is presenting to you and enter the world of reality yet.

They were clinging to each other, knowing that with each moment that passed morning grew closer and with that the reality of the choice she had made for them both followed. Somewhere in the darkness behind them a car could be heard once in a while. A mockingbird was singing its tunes somewhere below them in a tree close by. Its song going straight to her heart, and almost teasing her, well mocking her like its name said for the choice she had made and that every kiss they shared could be the last. That the time they had right now, was time running out, borrowed time meant to be over sooner rather than later.

It felt worse than any of their breakups in the past. Breakups that had also torn her apart, yes, yet this one was worse than the others.

They drew apart for a few seconds to catch their breath. And she looked at him, her eyes pleading with him. Everything about her in that moment was soft, her tense grace made tender by the darkness, her eyes and hands and especially her lips were infinitely soft.

_We've got tonight, babe  
Why don't you stay _

He pulled her back in for another kiss. This time not stopping. Instead they kissed again and again, each kiss was nearer to the end. He carefully picked her up in his arms and carried her back in, where he placed her on the bed again. Carefully he helped her out of the silk nightgown she had put on not so long before, leaving her naked below him.

* * *

**M-rated part**

Her soft breasts pressing into the warm skin of his as he covered her again, tailing kisses over her jaw and cheek, kissing away her tears. He was holding himself up on an arm so he didn't crunch her though she would have liked him to. A part of her wished he would crunch her and make her be the tightest possible she could to him in this moment. The hand he didn't use to support himself started to trace across her shoulder and down her collarbone, down to her breast, cupping it gently, massaging it lightly, teasing her nipple gently in soft stroking motions. She moaned softly and wiggling a little underneath him in moved his hand to her other breast, giving it an equal treatment.

She moaned softly as his lips brushed over her neck, and chin, before moving back up to place a soft kiss on her forehead, and continuing down, placing kisses on her eyebrows, her nose, her eyelids, her cheeks, the corner of her mouth and finally on her lips, kissing her fully, their tongues meeting and stroking each moaned of the loss as he broke the kiss and instead let his lips drift down her cheek and jawline, this time seeking out her earlobe, which he sucked on gently, letting the tip of his tongue run along the shell of her ear, before he kissed the tender spot she had behind her ear. They had once long ago learned that they both had a weakness for the same spot behind their ears, and in general the ears. Alicia felt an overwhelming bliss surround her by his light licking and kissing there setting her body on fire, and making her blood sing.

His hand drifted from her breast and lower, over the sensitive skin of her stomach, caressing her lightly there, teasing her soft skin, making her sigh with pleasure and need for let his hand drift lower, until he reached the soft curls between her legs already wet from her desire_. _His fingers played with them, sliding through them slowly, as she spread her legs inviting him to touch her where she needed him the most. He didn't touch her there yet, but instead slid his hand down to her outer thigh and caressed it spread them a little more as she moaned softly, needing his touch more than ever. Will however took his time and continued to caress her thigh_. _Until finally he let his fingers drift over her inner thigh, in a soft brush_. _She whimpered, as he gently ran his fingers across her wetness, stroking her softly.

Alicia moaned and arched against his hand. He picked up some of her wetness spreading it evenly over her folds, brushing her clit, gently. Rubbing it slowly in small circles as he moved two fingers into her, curling them up to find her most sensitive spot. He kissed her long and slow on the lips as he continued his ministrations with his fingers, as she felt her pleasure building, until she finally fell over the edge, her cries of pleasure only silenced by his lips.

He continued his caress until she had calmed down again. She was panting for air as he pulled back and looked at her, she was pretty sure she was both flushed and sweaty all mixed with tears still beaming in her eyes. He smiled gently as her, a smile filled with his own pain, heartbreak and sadness. She pulled him back in, kissing him languidly and tenderly on the lips.  
Neither spoke as he slid completely on top of her making their every angle and curve fit together as she parted her legs further to accommodate him better. Their eyes locked, and he lowered his head to kiss her again and again. He was careful as he entered her slowly, inch by inch. Until he was nestled completely within her. He caught her gaze once again, making completely sure she was okay with this. Then their eyes locked and she saw tears within his, she felt like her heart was being crouched. She was hurting him. The last thing she ever wanted to do, she was doing in this moment. She hated herself for breaking his heart.

She knew this moment was selfish, it was probably the most selfish she had ever been. And yet she had never needed it more, to have this one last time before saying goodbye to the possibility of them for always. She kissed him deeply on the lips trying to convey every thing she wanted to tell him but couldn't as it would only bring more pain, hurt him more.

They just kissed like that for a few seconds enjoying and basking in the connection, before he started to move slowly within her, in long deep strokes. He kept placing kisses all over her face, from her lips to her eyelids. Alicia returned his soft gestures by kisses of her own on his cheek and neck and any place really her lips were able to brush. As her hands caressed his back and she arched a little more against him with each stroke, wanting to bring him closer to her, wanting him to be as close as possible. When she finally fell over the edge, she bit her lip to keep herself to hold back the words she wished she could say right then and there. Not knowing he held the words back too when he followed her.

**M-rated part over**

* * *

_So there it is girl  
I've said it all now _

She cuddled herself into him, still as close as almost possible. Curling around him, her head placed on his chest, feeling the movement of every breath he took. His hands ran over her back again and again, stroking her bare skin gently, tracing her every curve and angle. It was like he couldn't bring himself to stop touching her, caressing her, because he knew it would be the last time he would ever be allowed that freedom. She kissed him on the chest and buried her face against his skin.

"Can we still work together..." She asked him, her voice wavering, frightened he would say no.

"Yeah... but I need to move on Alicia, for real..." He whispered softly and she nodded, she knew he needed to do that, it was why she was saying no because he deserved someone better. Someone who would love him and just him.

"I know... " she whispered softly as a couple of her tears fell on his skin.

"I gotta move on. You know, I gotta find someone who - who's gonna love me in - in thirty years, or forty or fifty," he let out in long breath, and she nodded again knowing he was right, and he deserved it.

_I know it's late  
And I know you're weary  
I know your plans  
Don't include me_

"Can we still be friends?" She whispered. She wasn't sure how she could survive not having him in her life or in her daughter's life for that matter. Just the thought of not having him in her life made her stomach crouch. Through all they had been through in the past they had stayed friends in some way. Been a part of each other's life in some way and the thought of no more of that was, _unthinkable._

"Yeah... just please don't ask me not to see Cat anymore... even then you eventually tell Peter... because I know you Alicia... you will tell him... please promise I can still see her... even then you and him..." he begged her softly not able to say the last words, and she nodded and looked up at his face.

"Of course Will... you can see her all you want... all you could ever wish for... I would never... I promise you..." She whispered softly touching his cheek.

"Thank you..."He sighed their eyes locked. She was doing her best to keep herself from crying again and she knew Will was doing the same and that the tightness and strain in his smile were the signs of it.

_Still here we are  
Both of us lonely  
Both of us lonely  
We've got tonight  
Who needs tomorrow  
_

He carefully pulled her back in for another kiss, surprising her with it, but she wouldn't stop it. She couldn't stop it. He gently rolled her over to her back and softly and gently heplaced kisses over every single spot on her body and traced all of her skin with the tips of his fingers memorizing her completely, her every respond to him. She knew why he was doing it. He was making sure he could remember everything about her, like she was with him, tracing his chest, his back, his arms, his face, kissing it caressing it.

He was gentle as he slipped into her warm wetness once more. The pace he set there was just as slow as the rest. He kept on pressing soft kisses all over her face. They both needed it. Needed to make sure they knew it all about each other because there would be no more times after this.

_Let's make it last  
Let's find a way  
Turn out the light  
Oooooh-ho, come take my hand now_

Or maybe there would, as not long had passed after coming apart in each other's arms that time, before they were kissing, touching, aching into each other again. More clumsy now, desperate, yet passionate, knowing every kiss and touch was closer to the end. Bodies moist with perspiration. Finger nails scraping, each other's passionate moans mixed together. It was desperate and full of longing and pain at the same time. He silenced her moans with his lips again as she came apart, and this time she felt a tear run down her cheek due to the emotions of it all. Will moved so he was resting beside her, but reached out and pulled her close so she was pressed completely against him. None of them said anything, just clang to each other as they finally gave into Morpheus.

_We've got tonight, babe  
Why don't you stay  
Why don't you stay_

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_So what are your thoughts? i warned that i do angst! _

_Also I hope this chapter "helped" those of you that wished it was just a dream/thought of Alicia... since it was just that... To those that didn't wish it... i am sorry i truely am... but happy end is too soon in this project to happen in chapter 7!_

_Please let me know your thoughts your reviews really do make me smile and help me write more... Also since we are getting closer and closer... i will promise a oneshot of your choice for the 100th review... something i normally give with multichapter fics so why not with this one too!_

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_Review replies to anon:  
_

_Megan: I hope this chapter was okay... sorry it wasn't earlier but it was a long chapter and a hard one to write!  
_

_Emily: Well thank you for your review now! I am glad you love the story and the writing style... and that you liek the way i portray Will... i am sorry for the pain he is in, in this chapter... i promise i will make it up to him at some point. but hope we can both agree this was better than a marriage where she longed for another, or leaving him at the alter... Which mind you i still would never do! Please let me know your continueing thoughts!  
_


	9. Chapter 9

_Here you go next chapter... hope you are still with me on this journey. As said before it is a long one really... let me know your thoughts..._

_I am sorry it took so long with this chapter, my muse seems to have run away lately._

_I would however like to give a huge thank you to my faithful beta and brainstorming partner Sabrina, without her i would never get any of this done. and a huge thank you to my friend Aleisha who has been a faithful cheerleader and encouragement for me! _

_I don't own the good wife. Or the line in this chapter i borrowed from The Amber's Spyglass.  
_

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**Chapter 9**

He didn't want to wake up, he didn't want to face the day, he really didn't. Those were his first thoughts as sleep started to leave him, and he slowly woke up. Because waking up would mean facing the reality, the reality that held the fateful night he had just lived through, a night that might very well have cost him his heart, hopes and dreams, all at the same time.

Alicia was still sleeping peacefully beside him, her back pressed against his chest as he spooned her, their naked bodies pressed fully together, legs in-twisted and her hair and the warmth of her soft body surrounding him. A position he had woken up in with her many times over the years, and yet it still made his heart skip a beat, and made him wonder why he couldn't live a life where he was allowed this serene moment every single morning. Why he couldn't live in a world where he and Alicia had been able to make them work from the beginning and where no Peter Florrick existed.

And yet wishing there was no Peter on earth meant Cat wouldn't exist either and no matter how simple it would make his life, he loved Alicia's daughter way too much to ever wish that. Cat might not be his own blood but it didn't matter, he wouldn't have loved her more if she were is, and a world where she wasn't a part of wasn't one he wished to live in. That was how much he loved her.

He sighed and carefully pulled his arms from Alicia, he couldn't stay cuddled with her, it wouldn't change a thing, it would only make everything harder. Every second he tried to push back the inevitable would also make the crash so much harder to withstand. After all the day was here and they were no longer in the stole moment of the night, where words said between them didn't matter, where nothing but the two of them mattered. Instead the day meant he had laid his heart out, one last time for her, had tried to get his perfect girl one more time. He of course had known it was a risk that she might say no. But he had to take the chance. Then

When Cat had asked him last night about him, Cat and Alicia he had already concluded that yes, he still loved _his Alicia_, that though they hadn't been together for years he still loved her, she was still the love of his life. How could he not? After all he had ever since their last break up still more or less lived in a surrogate relationship with her. He had dated a few but nothing real, and the only thing he hadn't been sharing over the last few years after their break up with her was probably a bed. Dinners, birthdays, weekends, vacations, holidays they had shared most of those as friends, partners, almost a family. So how could he really move on from her then when he basically had finally gotten to be a part of her life in those extra areas he had longed for, for a long long time? It really had been a surrogate relationship, and one he hadn't wanted to switch for a girlfriend or lover, because none of them could be compared to Alicia. It wasn't until lately that he had started to even consider anything else, and yet a real chance with someone else that wasn't Alicia still didn't live up to the dream and reality of a lifetime shared with her.

He turned over in the bed knowing he needed to get up and out of here, but he wasn't ready, not completely at least. Instead he glanced back over at the sleeping beauty beside him. She was perfect, he couldn't find another word for her even knowing his heart was broke by her he could only describe her as perfect. He was pulled from his study of her by something wet against his foot, he quickly moved his feet out of the way and cast a quick glance down to the foot of the bed, noticing Petra there with the tongue out. He almost snorted in laughter when he saw how she had quickly found another victim in Alicia, licking her toes instead, making Alicia squirm and start to wake up slowly. She kicked her legs clearly annoyed by the dog's attention and tried to make it stop as she slowly woke from sleep, moving around and rolling over, facing him as she opened her eyes, staring straight into his with her big mossy green orbs. She looked hesitatingly at him for a few seconds until he gave her a gentle soft smile that she returned it with one of her own bright ones.

"Morning..." He whispered, not really sure what was fitting for them to say. What was appropriate to tell to the love of your life who had said no to marrying you but still afterward spent the most intense night of lovemaking with? He wished he had once taken a class in that subject instead of law history, at least the first would have helped him more now. However he was pretty sure they didn't even teach that subject nowadays, at least not in the past.

He wanted to reach over and touch her, he wanted to kiss her puffy red velvet lips and tell her he loved her and always had and always would no matter what she wanted him to do. He wanted to tell her he it didn't really care that if he wasn't the only one she loved because she was the only one he loved, even though it was painful and hard, but he didn't. He couldn't, just like he hadn't told her he loved her the whole time they made love last night, not because he didn't feel like that but because it would only make everything harder and sadder. Letting go was never easy and in this case he was pretty sure it was the hardest thing he would ever have to go through.

Yet as he looked at her staring up at him so sweetly through her dark eyelashes, he couldn't stop himself and reached in to kiss her one last time. Her eyes grew large as she clearly realized what he was going to do, and yet she didn't move. She laid there waiting for a kiss that didn't happen because just as his breath started to mix with hers, Petra barked out loud. Cat's high pitched child's voice called out "Mommy" loudly and Will could hear the sound of small feet running outside Alicia's bedroom. He let himself fall back on the pillow while Alicia gave him an apologizing smile and moved away and out of the bed. He watched as she found her robe and tied it around herself closely.

"Get off the bed Petra," she ordered to the dog, before looking over at him.

"I'll go check on Cat... you can use the shower if you like... I need to get her dressed and do her hair anyway. I promised her a day in the park if the sun shined and it looks like I will have to live up to that one." She told him gently.

He sighed. He should just get dressed and out of here as fast as he could, before Cat or Veronica saw him and started questioning what he was doing here.

"I should get going and leave you too it all..." He mumbled as he sat up again.

"You don't need to... really you can use the shower. I think I even have a pair of jeans and a shirt of yours in the dresser. Use the shower, I will find that and leave it at the bed before I go and get Cat ready. Really, take your time," she offered, then walked into her closet and returned before he had even managed to get out of bed with an old baseball shirt of his and a pair of jeans.

He wanted to ask where she had gotten it from or more so why she had it, but the words didn't seem to want to form and leave his mouth, instead she managed to place the clothes on the bed and walk out of the room before he voiced a single thing. And he was left sitting in her bed, staring after her, glancing over at her dog that stared at him with big wet eyes, eyes that almost showed pity. Will shook his head unable to stare into the dog's wet pity filled eyes and got out of bed, intending to take up her offer of a shower and the clothes.

He took his time in the bathroom, and he finally returned to the bedroom fully dressed, his hair still lightly humid, Alicia was back again and dressed too, slipping on a pair of pearl earrings that he had given her at Christmas almost 5 years before when she was still in the hospital after having Cat.

Her hair were loose and she was dressed casually. He had always enjoyed her dressed down like she was now, in tight dark blue jeans, and a white short sleeved wrap blouse, clothes that were not showing off yet showing him all her voluptuous curves. He was always stunned by her beauty, and couldn't help but smile as she glanced over at him and smiled back at him shyly. She looked nervous just like him. _What were they supposed to say or do? What was alright with her, and appropriate for the new situation they were in now?_ Will wasn't sure and her insecure smile told him he wasn't alone feeling lost.

She was the one to first break whatever moment they were having and take a few steps closer to where he stood.

"Umm do you... Would you like to stay for breakfast? I am sure Cat would love it. Mom made the pancake batter and I know you like those almost as much as Cat," she started to babble along. Alicia wasn't one to babble and this told him just how nervous she truly was.

He sighed and stepped closer to her. The offer was tempting and 24 hours before he would have accepted with no hesitation, but after last night could they really go back to the pattern they had been stuck in for years, could he really go back to that? He wasn't sure. He feared he couldn't that it would be too hard and too much. But the thought of spending the morning having breakfast with her and Cat was like music to his ears, like a dream. He knew doing it would be amazing and at the same time painful because it would give him a glimpse of what their life together could be.

Still her soft eyes and the hesitating smile that accompanied the invitation made him unable to say no. He was cursing the power she had over him but he could never say no to her, especially not when she gave him that adorable face and smile. He stepped closer to her yet again and she moved in to him.

She looked so innocent and nervous looking at him. Her eyes seemed to grow a bit moist for each second that passed, he wasn't sure what he would do if the tears slipped down her cheeks. Or actually he did know, he had never been able to stand Alicia crying, it tore his heart apart and he would hug her and calm her, tell her everything would be fine, anything to just stop her tears. He wasn't really sure who of them bridged the last distance between their lips for one last kiss. It was rushed and clumsy, not in-sync like they always used to be, so clumsy that they banged cheekbones, and a tear from her eye was transferred to his face.

He wanted to make it longer and the way her lips opened softly under his told him he wasn't alone in this. It was wrong. Last night should have been their goodbye. Yet here they were kissing once more. He knew it would have lasted longer and should have lasted longer if not for the fact that Petra started barking, making them break apart.

Alicia looked down and turned away. He knew she was embarrassed over the kiss, that they had needed that once more. He took in the light pink color spreading over her cheeks giving them a soft rosy glow, one that only made her even sweeter and more amazing in his eyes. One he wished wouldn't be there, making her a little more irresistible once again.

He sighed as Petra nudged his hand with her snout, giving it a little lick. He had always gotten along well with the dog, and he knew she was letting him know that she was hungry and that they had overstayed their time in Alicia's bedroom. In many ways she was almost telling him the night was over and they needed to let go of it and move on with their lives.

"We should go downstairs. I will stay for breakfast if the invitation is still open," he offered, making her smile hesitatingly back, clearly pleased that he had accepted the offer even with everything going on between them right now, that he had taken her offer of a little bit of normalcy.

None of them said anything as they walked downstairs. There was a slightly awkward moment as they passed through the door to the hallway and hadn't coordinated it very well so they bumped into each other, both apologizing. He knew they were not in-sync like this because of their hearts and the pain he felt and that she might feel too. It was like with their kiss; something so simple was now in the gray, cold daylight only a dream, a glimpse of another world, one he had been denied, and things such as kisses and being in-sync to each other's moves were both things that belonged to that other world, and not to this one.

Cat's excited scream as soon as she saw him there, made it all a little better while also a bit more bitter. In another world he would have been holding Alicia's hand and they could tell Cat together the happy news of them getting married. But in this world he would get to share breakfast with her and wonder what could have been. Still it was better than nothing at all, no Cat and no Alicia would be too unbearable.

He noticed how Veronica raised an eyebrow at Alicia, as she told him hallo, while he lifted Cat up into his arms, hugging the little girl tight and smelling the sweet scent of her strawberry shampoo. He walked over to the table where Cat had been sitting beside Veronica, and took a seat on a chair, with Cat still in his lap. A place she seemed to settle happily into, while she told him about how her and mommy were going to the park today.

"Will you come with us? Please Uncle Will... you can push me so much better on the swing than mommy," she begged him while looking up at him with her big bright green eyes, her mother's eyes.

Eyes he had never been able to resist, whether they belonged to the older or younger Cavanaugh it didn't matter, those eyes were among Will Gardner's greatest weaknesses. However he couldn't say yes this time, at least not without Alicia accepting it too, because Alicia had decided he wasn't to be the one to take over the role as Cat's father and that she didn't want a relationship with him, so right now they were in unexplored territory of what he could accept and be a part of in the little girl's life and her mother's life and what he couldn't. So he glanced over at Alicia who had gone over to the pancakes batter and had already started to fry them, but had stiffen up with her daughter's words to Will.

"I think that..." He started to say not really sure how he could explain that it was up to Alicia, to Catherine and not make Alicia seem like a bad person in case she said no.

"You should come Will... it would make both of us happy if you came with us," Alicia told them softly, making his heart skip a beat at the sound of her voice agreeing to yet another such family thing with him.

It seemed ironic really that the day after he had been denied this life, this sweet and perfect dreamlike life kept being offered in smaller pieces to him.

"It sounds like a good plan, you should bring Petra, she would enjoy a day out too..." Veronica added, and Will quickly glanced over at her. It was like he could already hear the scheming going on in her head, not that it should surprise him, but he still thought she should try to stay a bit more out of her daughter's life choices than she did, and two seconds after he had once more confirmed just how much Veronica loved messes, with the next she mentioned.

"Oh have you seen the front page Alicia. It seemed that late last night, a certain presidential candidate checked in alone at Ritz-Carlton. Though he should have been staying with a certain blond bombshell of a woman. Rumors has that they had broken up."

Will felt his heart clench, that someone had decided to throw him a bone and just as fast take it away again. Peter and Meredith might have broken up, and he had just last night learned that Alicia had something going on with Peter of some kind again, something the tension and the way she now stiffened up confirmed further. He sighed softly. The chance of spending a day in the image of the other world with Cat and Alicia, with no mirror or reality, was gone before it even started. The image of Peter and what he knew might happen sooner or later would still be between them today. Never less if he focused on that instead of the little beauty queen in his lap, the day would be a thousand times harder, and he loved Cat enough to push all the sadness and pain aside, to enjoy the fact that he was still being offered a day with the two girls he loved the most, _his girls_. And that was all he should be focusing on right here and now, not whatever might or might not happen between the love of his life and the guy that once was her husband and the father of her children. No, he should focus every inch of energy he had on the girls in his life, and make them happy in whatever extent he was allowed to do so, at least that was what he longed to do right now, no matter how much he might regret it later, having them partly were better than not at all.

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_please let me know your thoughts in reviews:-) i love getting them and they are the writers pay off and they cheer me on! The 100th reviewer will get a oneshot!_


	10. Chapter 10

_Here you go hope you enjoy..._

_I don't own the good wife. _

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**Chapter 10**

Grace turned another of the yellow pages with the by now slightly faded writing, though not enough to cause her troubles with reading the words there. It was the last page in the book she was at, and she had brought yet another with her already. She knew she shouldn't be reading this. That she had no business in reading this, and yet she couldn't help it. She had found them by mistake when she went through some old boxes a few weeks ago. She was looking for a couple of her mom's old law books and she had found these; her mother's old journals at the bottom of a box. There had been a lot of them.

She had never known her mom actually kept a journal, let alone that she seemed to have been using it often. There had been some from her teenage years, Grace had only skimmed through those, and the same with those from college. Her mother seemed to really have been as good and quiet as Owen had kept telling them. So those diaries had mostly been about school, a few friends and some crushes of hers. The really interesting books - and those Grace was reading at the moment- were those from her time at Georgetown.

Her mother has still not been wild or anything but unlike the others these books told Grace things she didn't know. These books showed another side of her mother that she hadn't expected, and mostly they told her a story of two young people in love, two people that clearly belonged together if they had just been able to make it work. A story she wished she had known a long time ago.

Years ago her mother had mentioned that her and Will had known each other in law school. Grace had overheard a conversation where Will had more or less told her mother over the phone that he had feelings for her back in those days and that they would have been good together. But her mother had back then answered it would have been different and they would only have lasted a week.

Now reading these diaries, Grace knew that it was not true at all, there was nothing weak-like about the feelings her mother clearly had for Will Gardner back then. Instead it told her a story of a young girl very much in love and afraid of having her heart broken by a guy that was her best friend. A guy she was in love with but scared to let know about her feelings as she feared he would only want something loose with her, because she saw the string of women he seemed to spent time with. A girl that was so much attached that she considered if it was worth loosing on her principles to have a chance with him, to give into what was there between them only for a night because one night might be better than nothing. Grace was shocked and her heart ached for her mom more and more with each page she wrote.

Pages of how they seemed to be tying with a line more and more, a line that seemed to be crossed more and more but never fully. She had been smiling at the description her mother had of their first kiss. And how happy that kiss had made her. But as she was reading the last few pages her heart was breaking. This part had been about her mother first thinking that Will was getting serious with a girlfriend of his back home, and then learning they were over and that Will had said he had fallen in love with someone else.

Grace had found herself hoping he would finally tell her mother it was her and yet that had not come, he had not done more with it, and her mother had been left thinking it had only been an excuse on his part to avoid commitment and enjoy his freedom in law-school to it's fullest.

Grace had let out a sad sigh, feeling like the two that had obviously been meant for each other had missed the chance of something amazing. She also felt terrible reading how her mother had feared getting with Will, that he would end up preferring something loose and non-committed, and if she had demanded or wished for more she feared he would have cheated on her. The last part broke Grace's heart. It seemed clear to her more and more, though she had yet to come to the books about her father. Her mother hadn't gotten with Will out of fear, and her dad had probably been the safe choice, one where she felt she didn't have to fear having her heart broken in the worst of ways. And yet she had gotten just that from the one that she hadn't seen it coming from, while the other one, well Grace didn't know much personally about that, but from what she knew Will seemed to have been a constant in her mother's life even when he didn't need to. She was still living at home when they got together again, and even though it was never spoken off, both her and Zach had fully known that their mother was seeing Will, and she had for a period of eight months not long after their parents had separated and her mother had moved dad out of the apartment. Zach and her had actually for months expected that their mom would at some point come home and tell them they were to be introduced to her boyfriend, Will. Even more after Zach had run into him at their mother's work. Yet it hadn't come, and instead they had soon seen their mother more restless, sad, almost depressed, clearly missing something, or rather someone. It hadn't been hard for her to figure out that whatever had been there, it was over, and she had secretly feared that she herself had been the reason behind that.

She couldn't at that point say she supported the idea of her mother with someone else, or even liked the idea. Actually she had hated even the thought of it, and yet she hadn't hated how much happier her mother had seemed at first, when she was sure she had just started seeing Will. She had actually felt happy for her mother, she deserved to smile like that and be that relaxed, something Grace hadn't seen in her once after the scandal had broken. However the thought of another man in her mother's life, one replacing their dad had hurt, and that was why she hadn't said anything about how she could accept her mother with Will if it made her happy until almost 1½ year later, that night she had found out from her grandmother that she had been an accident, that her mom and dad might not have wanted her. And though her mother later said she was not an accident and that they had wanted her and she had loved her while pregnant and the same with Zach. She had still tried to finally tell her mother in her own words that she didn't want to be the reason she wasn't with the one she really wanted to be with. In other words she hoped she had made clear that her mother should be with Will if he was who she wanted. Yet her mother hadn't seemed to want that at the time. And her parents had stayed together.

That was until election night, when things had changed. The night before she had seen her mom with Will a few times and it had unsettled her to see how they were with each other. She had never said anything about the feeling she had that night, but she hadn't really been that surprised then her parents told them shortly after the election they were separated again and were getting a divorce. She had been more surprised when her mother hadn't gotten together with Will. Instead, 9 months after she had come and told her and Zach that she was pregnant. She had more than once speculated about if the child was Will's because it would have made sense but the way they both acted with it she was pretty sure it was not the case. Because though Will had been there, and even more after both Zach and herself had asked him to be, he wasn't involved in the pregnancy like she would have assumed he would have been, given he was the father, and her little sister had also grown up with calling him uncle Will and never daddy.

She read the last few lines on the page and closed the book, her heart heavy. She felt sad. She at least understood more and more of what was really going on and had always been going on with each book she read. She pulled up her bag and found the next of the books, and opened it, while checking her watch. She still had a few hours before she had made plans with Jack, a guy she had met at a party last week, and had her first class in jurisdiction with today. Today, that made her smile, today had been her first real day at law school, and here she was sitting at the DC. Mall reading her mother's diaries for her time at law school.

Grace opened the diary and like always felt a bit more nervous because she knew she should put it away, she was intruding in her mother's private thoughts, and it was wrong. But it was too tempting not to read this, so like always she skimmed over the first page and started to read the next of the books.

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Alicia let out a deep sigh as she let her head rest in her hands, while she stared at the highlighted email. An email that had been highlighted most of the day but she still hadn't opened. She had no idea what it said and even less if she wanted to know it. Well a part of her wanted to know, but another thought it would be better for her not to open it. She had always been confused when it came to the two men in her life and it seemed like now it was not different. She stared at the name shining back at her; _G__ov. Peter Florrick. _She was not even sure if it was a personal email from him or one typed by some assistant of his. Though the title line with _I Am Sorry_ told her otherwise. Still she felt unsure. She had felt confused and even more nervous and on the edge since Saturday morning where she had learned that him and Meredith had apparently broken up, a rumor that had been confirmed over yesterday, and officially today in the morning.

It had not been easier after everything that had happened with Will, especially after spending the most amazing day with him and Cat through the rest of Saturday. One that had seemed like a teaser of what could have been if she had said yes to his proposal. One that still haunted her mind to the point of having nightmares of him marrying Sabrina and having a couple of curly haired twins with her, and Cat asking why he never came to see her anymore and where her daddy was. Something that had let Alicia to dream of telling Peter about his little girl. But unlike the other times where she had dreamed that and it had all ended in him smiling, hugging her, sometimes even kissing her, but always being happy and excited, this one had been a nightmare of his anger with her and applying for solo custody, something he had gotten, and suddenly she had been left alone, no Cat, no Will, no Peter, not to mention her other children that had hated her too. She had woken up soaking in sweat, and only hours after fallen back asleep, falling from a nightmare into another of Will in bed with Sabrina, both laughing over a call from Alicia about a case. And Will telling the other woman that she meant everything to him, and Alicia had only always used him, taking advantage of his good heart. That he loved the other woman and she was the real one for him, he had only been blinded by a memory of someone Alicia once was, but would never be again. Followed by him kissing that woman and them making love, while he whispered declarations of love to that woman. And she had no problem saying the same words back. Words Alicia had wanted, and wished to hear and whisper to him while they made love that special night between Friday and Saturday.

She had been avoiding him most of the day, only seeing him for a few minutes a few hours before. She quickly glanced over at his office. The light was still on and she could see the silhouette of both him and someone else, working in his office. She took an extra look and realized it was the very woman haunting her nightmares, the one she knew could possibly make Will happy someday. Yet the same thought that had partly been her reason for saying no to his proposal, now filled her with a desire to vomit. It was making her stomach clench in something almost like clamps.

"If you don't stop staring at them you will soon have to find someone to defend you for murder, unless you prefer to represent yourself." A voice coming from the side door to her office made Alicia flinch. She hadn't realized how obvious she had been in her staring. She quickly looked away and over at Kalinda, who was standing in the doorway.

"You look like someone that could use a drink..." Kalinda mentioned to her, quickly glancing in the direction Alicia had been staring. "The last hour you have just been staring at your screen, until 15 min ago when you decided to try out murder with your eyes." She glanced back at Alicia, while Alicia felt herself blush a little over having been caught in her staring.

"I can't... I should get home... it is already late..." Alicia apologized while glancing at her watch. She felt terrible when she saw it was already past eight in the night, and her daughter would already be in bed, and she hadn't made it home to tuck her in.

"Why? I am sure your little secret is already sleeping peacefully, and your mother is there." Kalinda pointed out to her. Alicia shook her head in light amusement. It was not often her and Kalinda talked about Cat. Of course the investigator knew about her daughter; though Alicia had never told her herself, she had still found out. And she had showed up at Alicia's home while she was on leave before giving birth with a book and a bottle of red wine saying Alicia could enjoy the book now and the wine months later, when she could drink again. She had also given her a present, later after she had given birth, and one for Cat. But she normally didn't mention Alicia's daughter, or hinted anything about her. And she hadn't met or seen Cat many times. She basically knew about her and that was it.

Alicia sighed. Kalinda was right, she could use a drink and her mother was there, and hurrying home right now wouldn't do anything good, her baby girl was still already asleep.  
"One drink?" She asked and looked up at Kalinda who nodded, and Alicia sighed once more, got up from her chair and grabbed her bag and jacket.

"Your keys?" Kalinda asked and Alicia rolled her eyes lightly as she handed her car keys to the other woman as they walked to the elevator. She felt even more nauseous as she walked past Will's office noticing how he was laughing and relaxed with the other woman. It used to be them acting like that. She tried to remember when they had last worked late like that, and she couldn't remember. And that made her feel even worse. She forced her gaze away. She really could use that drink Kalinda had offered her. A drink was very much was she needed right now. A drink would be what the doctor ordered for her, with everything going on with Will, Peter and herself right now. Everything from the damn email to the repugnance of seeing Will with the other woman, all of that would feel better with after a couple of tequila shots.

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_Please let me know your thoughts on this one... let me know if you are still with me on this journey :-) Also reviews does encourage me to write more and faster ;-) at least when my muse is there which she is at the moment... hint I already have chapter 11 written. _

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_Review replies _

_Chap 8: _

_Emily: I am sorry I forgot to reply in the last chapter... I am thankful you love where this story is going, and I hope you continue to love it... and love the road... yes I had Alicia admit to loving Will at a point which I guess also was showed even more in this chapter... I know it is sad, it is a heartbreak story, I feel like crying everytime I write on it... lmao yes Meredith was a bitch and she needed to go..._

_You Know who.. Thanks for the review hun ;-) I am glad you liked the chapter... both the Peter part and the AW parts ;-) and yes Meredith is a bitch and we all hate her:-)_

_Chapter 9_

_Sarah I am glad you have read the story form the beginning and loves it:-) thank you for reading and reviewing..._


	11. Chapter 11

_And here you go chapter 11 already. _

_Don't own the Good Wife. Only one that is mine is Catherine Amy. And i don't own the Grey's line in this chapter either ;-)  
_

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**Chapter 11**

Alicia emptied the third shot of the sharp tasting liquor, one shot had quickly turned into two and the third one followed soon. She had needed it far more than she had first thought. But the light burn of the tequila did make her feel better, it made her head feel a bit fuzzy, but it was better anyway than the confusion and sadness she had felt only a few hours before.

"You look like you need another..." Kalinda commented as she motioned for the bartender, who came over and poured Alicia yet another one. She was about to object, after all she really shouldn't drink anymore, and yet it was a little too tempting, so she swallowed the fourth shot and as she set the glass back down she finally mumbled what was wrong.

"I slept with him..." Kalinda raised an eyebrow at her and nodded, she looked like she was in deep thoughts for a moment, and considered what she was allowed to say, Alicia sighed and continued so Kalinda didn't have to ask.

"Will... I slept with him again." She nervously played with the glass, running her fingers along the edge of it, and studied it, unable to look at Kalinda, fearing how she would respond. After all she was also Will's friends and she might not like that Alicia had pulled him back into this yet again, especially now that he had seemed like he was moving on. When Kalinda didn't say anything, Alicia glanced over at her nervously.

"I see... what is the problem with it?" Kalinda finally asked and looked at Alicia straight on.

"I... there is not really a problem, with it, itself, it is just... last week I almost slept with Peter too... and now it is all messed up." She sighed, finally letting her head rest in her hands, while glancing at Kalinda, who still seemed unfazed with what Alicia had just said.

"Okay..." She said and raised an eyebrow at Alicia, who let out a small sigh.

"I want to do it again..." She finally admitted, making Kalinda finally raise an eyebrow and look like she could see where Alicia was going and why it had her in such distress.

"Okay?" She answered carefully.

"I want to sleep with Will again now... and I can't... it wouldn't be fair... but I can't stop thinking about it. And he wants to marry me and I said no. And then there is Peter too, I really would have slept with him the other day, hadn't it been for Petra. And it just seemed like he wanted me to be yet a mistress of his, or at least I thought so, but now him and Meredith have broken up, and he emailed me today, with an address line about how he was sorry. I haven't read it yet. And it is all so confusing, because Will proposed to me and I said no, and then we had the most amazing sex I have ever had. It wasn't even sex, I have no idea what it was. But... I want to have it again. And I said no because I thought he deserved better than me, but seeing him with that other woman hurt so much. And it is so confusing because seeing Peter with Meredith hurt too, and I just... I can't figure my way out of this. Cat wants a dad, and Will loves her so much, but Peter… if he ever finds out..." Alicia shook her head confused and sad, feeling heavy with emotions. She glanced over at Kalinda that hadn't said anything to her spilling, and didn't look like she really wanted to, but in the end she sighed as she seemed to realize Alicia expected an answer. But Alicia never got to hear what she might have said, as her phone rang in the very same moment. She picked it up and glanced at it quickly, seeing a picture of Will with Cat lighting up her screen a few seconds, a picture that always made her smile, before she answered it.

"Hey I hope I didn't interrupt anything..." Will told her gently, his voice hesitating, and tender at the same time, making her heart flutter lightly.

"No it is fine I was just out... What is wrong?" She asked letting him know in her own way that he could always call her, that he was still holding that privilege, that it wasn't gone with the weird mess they were stuck in now.

"Okay good... I kind of need you back at the office, it is a new case with James Lewis IT corporation, as you know..." He started to explain but she broke him off.

"You don't need to say anything more Will, I will come back, I know we have tried to sign them for months and it really would be good for us if we could get them.. I will be back in a quarter," she told him, and smiled as he told her thank you. Then she called a cab quickly while Kalinda paid for them.

As they left the bar Kalinda winked at her and told her to behave now, a comment that had Alicia rolling her eyes, as she got into the cab.

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She stumbled a bit in her high heels as she got out of the cab. All the shots were catching up with her now, but she still managed to get into the building, and up to the right floor and walk to Will's office. As she got closer she felt a bit nauseous as she realized it wasn't unlikely that the associate was still there, coaxing up with Will. And she didn't like that thought very much, but she had no choice. So she quickly pulled herself together and walked to his office and entered the room. Will was there and so was James Lewis himself and his wife, but there was no one else, something that had Alicia sighing inwardly in relief.

Will quickly stood up to introduce her. "Mr. and Mrs. Lewis, this is Alicia Cavanaugh my partner."

Alicia smiled at them both and held out her hand for both to shake, before she took a seat in a chair beside Will's and carefully listened to what the issue was.

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Hours later the couple left Will's office and Alicia let herself slide deeper into the chair as she let out an exhausted sigh. It looked like the next few days would be stressing. Mr. Lewis was facing accusations of sexual harassment from his kid's nanny, and Alicia knew they needed to win the case to make him sign on, not only his private affairs like they were handling now, but also his IT corporation, the one they had been trying to land now for almost six months, but with no success.

"So, do you think he did it?" Alicia asked as she glanced up at Will who shook his head.

"No, I don't think so... he seemed like a man that had only eyes for the woman sitting beside him..." He sighed and took a seat beside her facing her directly.

She sat up a bit straighter, and looked him in the eyes, curious about how he knew that. She was feeling the same, but she hadn't thought about how he seemed to only have eyes for his wife, from her side it came from her own past with a cheating husband. Of course she hadn't seen it coming back then either, so it wasn't impossible that she had misjudged Mr. Lewis too. But the fact that Will thought the same made her feel better.

"How come?" she asked, hoping he would explain his words. However her question had him break eye-contact with her and look away a bit... She hesitated for a second before thinking further, but it didn't change what she thought. Will seemed to be blushing a little, but he quickly seemed to push whatever it was down and look back at her.

"Well… you are in a red low cut dress... umm and he didn't look at you in a way that was anything but professional, instead he spent a lot of time stroking his wife's hand and checking if she was alright with everything."

Alicia felt herself blush lightly too at Will's words and lowered her eyes, but couldn't help but smile a little. His words meant he had noticed her dress and the way she looked, and that made her stomach clench a little.

"Well, it makes our job a little bit easier if he is innocent, though it won't be an easy case to prove. Do you think we can go for making him settle? She might just want money." Alicia told him as she looked back up.

"She might but it is also possible since she goes there with this case..." He started to say and Alicia finished for him.

"… that she is in love with him and hurt that he doesn't return her feelings, or possibly have turned her down." She sighed and looked at Will. If that was the case, it was likely she wouldn't be easy to get to accept a settlement, and they would end up going to court with it, and these cases were never easy to win.

"We will get Kalinda on it first thing tomorrow morning. Have her try to look into previous places the girl has worked, maybe it is not an one-time thing..." Will answered and Alicia nodded.

"Yes plus we should also check on previous nannies he have had, and assistants at work.. maybe all of them testifying against it ever happening," she told him and he smiled.

"Yes, let's try that one... so, do you want me to take you home?" Alicia stiffened up, she felt both surprised and nervous over the offer. She hadn't expected it, not with the weird place they were in now. She looked away from his gaze. She needed to say no, for both of their sakes.

"I know you have been drinking, don't bother denying it Alicia... were you out with Kalinda when I called you?" he asked with a small smile, teasing her a little, as well as giving her a reason to why she could allow him to take her home. Alicia blushed slightly but nodded.

"Yeah I was... and you don't need to take me home, I will call a cab," she answered, knowing that relying on him now then she was a little bit drunk would not be the best plan.

"Don't, Alicia... I will take you..." He gave her a soft smile, she looked into his eyes, they were so gentle and comforting, though they also held a hint of sadness.

"You shouldn't have to," she whispered as she looked away.

"I want to... I feel better knowing you got home safely... Alicia... what happened between us... it doesn't change what I feel for you... I still care about you... that won't just go away overnight. I am still your best friend and your partner. That hasn't changed... So let me take you home now... so I don't have to tell Cat that her mother got hurt because she wouldn't let me drive her home safely." He stepped closer to her and she looked up as she felt his hand caress her cheek and lift her head so she would look at him. She gave him a half smile, as her heart softly sang in relief and happiness. She couldn't bear the thought of not having Will as her friend, and partner; one she could always count on. She knew she couldn't expect him to stay that, that it wasn't fair to expect him to, when she had said no to anything more and crouched his heart in the process. Yet she was relieved that he said that he was still those things, letting her know he was still _her Will _even now. She nodded her head softly agreeing with him, and she let him help her put her coat back on, before he grabbed his things, and placed a comforting supportive arm around her waist as they walked out of his office and over to the elevator, getting on it and stepping up to the back of it.

They were standing side by side, and his arm was still wrapped around her, supporting her, something she was happy about, as she realized how tired she truly was. She didn't realize she had let her head rest on his shoulder and closed her eyes, just breathing in the smell of him. She loved his smell and always had. She could almost feel him looking at her so she opened her eyes softly gazing into his dark orbs, orbs that were telling her all about his feelings for her. That those feelings were still there, no matter what they said or did. She remembered Kalinda's words of not hurting him, and she really didn't want to hurt him anymore, yet the breath of air between their lips grew smaller as they drew closer and closer while she leaned into him a little more. Their lips brushing in first a soft kiss.

"We shouldn't..." She whispered softly.

"I know..." He breathed out in a sigh.

"A break up kiss..." She mumbled, as his lips brushed hers in another one, the second holding a bit more force. It was like they were pulled together, like they were finding themselves trapped in a magnetic field. One that pulled them closer and closer together, making them unable to break apart. It was not new, they had been there before. For some reason it seemed to be their thing, sort of. Stolen kisses when they really shouldn't, kisses based on longing, of a magnetic pull towards each other even at the worst of time, even when consequences were damned, even when they said they wouldn't go there or it wasn't smart. This kiss was soft yet intense, laced with passion. She was trembling softly and her lips opened slowly under his, letting his tongue sweep in. He touched it gently to hers, making her sigh deeply against his lips. Her sigh was like a yes, and she moaned deeply as the kiss turned deeper. He was pulling her closer to him, turning them around so her back was pressed against the back of the elevator. He pulled back long enough from her lips to be able to reach the stop button and push it. Then he was back at her, pulling her closer again as he slid her dress up and she let her bag fall to the floor, her coat following it, and so did Will's jacket. He lifted her up wrapping her legs around him, their hands fumbled between each other, his fingers gently pushing her thong aside and stroking the wet skin between her legs a few times as she fumbled with his belt and pants only to finally get them open and push them down.

He pushed into her wet heat forcefully as soon as they were down, not giving her much time to adjust or to draw out their moment. The burning desire was already too much. She pulled at his neck dragging his face closer to her, mashing their mouth together once more. Tongues battling for dominance while stroking and caressing each other, while their hips met again time after time. They were both groaning in passion as they moved together, unable to let each other go and yet at the same time both needing the pleasure the other gave them even more with each second that passed. She had let her eyes drift shot, but as she grew closer to the edge she opened them and found his. Their gaze and lips both locked as the fell over the edge, his eyes screaming how much he loved her and needed her. Telling her that a little of this was better than nothing at all, and she hoped and prayed her own eyes told him the same, let him know that she cared too, and always had and would.

They hugged each other close for a minute after their climax, before he lowered her gently onto the floor again, holding her up carefully as she stumbled a little to find the ground under her feet. They both carefully redressed, unable to look at each other. Not sure what they should be saying or feeling. Saying no clearly didn't work, and she was obviously not a very good person for being unable to control herself around him. She glanced at him as he pushed the button once more, and she tried to find something to say.

"I should just call a cab..." She finally mumbled, and he looked at her and shook his head softly.

"I will still take you home Licia..." He gave her a soft sad smile and she nodded and looked away as she felt a tear in the corner of her eyes, slowly making its way down her cheek. They didn't say another word as they got off the elevator and walked to his car. His arm was no longer wrapped around her and as he opened the car door for her and they accidentally brushed against each other, they both almost jumped away. The car ride was filled with a tension so thick as that you could cut through it, none of them were saying anything. Alicia spent most of the ride trying to find something to say but kept coming up empty handed.

Finally as they parked in front of her home, she sighed.

"We need to stop... we can't keep doing that... it wasn't supposed to happen again..." She whispered softly unable to look at him.

"I know... it won't happen again Alicia... I can't… We can't... I get it..." He sighed deeply, and she could hear the heartbreak in his voice. She nodded softly still not looking at him, and brushed a few tears off her cheek before she quickly undid her seat-belt and reached over and kissed him quickly on his wet cheek stained with his own tears. She didn't wait around for more, but got out of the car and almost ran to her door. She quickly got inside without looking back, slipped off her shoes, then hurried up to her bedroom where she collapsed on her bed, tears now streaming down her cheeks, as she cried openly into the pillow. She must have drifted off to sleep at one point because she woke up feeling stiff all over from the uncomfortable position. It was still night so she changed into her nightwear, got ready for bed and crawled into it. Her heart was still aching. She settled into the bed and pulled out her Ipad from her bedside drawer. She hesitated for a moment then opened her email and found the mail from Peter. She clicked on it, decided to finally read it. She needed to do so, after all she needed to see what was going on there, and needed to see if there was a possibility of including him in Cat's life and letting him know the truth. After all it was among the reasons she had turned Will down and broken his as well as her heart in the process. Now she needed to focus on the reason she had done that, and try to make that work, so that the pain she was feeling right now and that she was sure Will felt too at least wasn't all for nothing.

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_So please let me know your thoughts after this chapter! I hope you enjoyed it! Will puppy eyes please let me know what you think!_

_I still need to answer a couple of your reviews for chapter 10 i promise i will do it later tonight ;-) _


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